"Nick is always pressed against my back, and I can smell sweat and traces of smoke. Feel the hand that just last night was pulling a trigger, on my belly. Rubbing in slow circles." The bolded sentence - it doesn't seem to flow right. I feel like there's something wrong with it, but I'm not sure how to make it right. Suggestions?
I always seem to leave out words, hahah. Thanks for pointing that out. :] But I have another question - is the comma okay? I feel like if I took it out, it would seem like he was pulling a trigger on her belly... which he isn't, hahah.
OKay, I have an alternative: I can feel the gentle hand that just last night was pulling a trigger rubbing slowly around my belly small in circles.
I can feel the hand that just last night was pulling a trigger rubbing in slow circles on my belly. Better? :]
I don't really understand what pulling a trigger means in this context. Why not write curling his finger? Also remove is from the beginning "Nick is always..."
The "Nick is always.." is necessary for the sentence before it to work, hahah. And the "pulling a trigger" bit means that he was shooting someone.. So just "curling his finger" wouldn't really do the job.
Yes, I had guessed that you meant to imply that the hand that had committed violence last night was now touching her softly. Which is why I added "gently" in the sentence. Us newbies have to stick 2gether!
I feel the hand swell with content that pulled the trigger just last night reach down, slowing rubbing circles on my belly.
Nevermind about the is. I didn't look at the first lines closely enough. You are writing in present tense for some reason. Even if he pulled a trigger on a gun earlier, it reads oddly to me. "Nick is always pressed against my back, and I can smell sweat and traces of smoke. Feel the hand that just last night was pulling a trigger, on my belly. Rubbing in slow circles." I can feel the hand (the one that pulled a trigger last night) on my belly, rubbing in slow circles. However, I would get rid of the filter word "feel." He rubs my belly in slow circles with the same hand that he used to fire a gun last night. He rubs my belly in slow circles with the same hand that pulled a trigger last night. << not as good IMO.
"Nick is always pressed against my back, and I can smell sweat and traces of smoke. The hand that was just last night pulling a trigger now rubs my belly in slow circles."
What about " I Feel the hand that just last night was pulling a trigger now rubb my stomache in slow circles ??
the hand he had used to pull the trigger last night was now resting on my belly, rubbing it in small circles.
Nick pressed up against my back, the smell of sweat and smoke filled the air. The hand that was now rubbing my belly is the hand that pulled the trigger last night. What about giving the previous sentence? Nick is always still doesn't seem right.
