I took a long break from story writing and focus primarily on poems now. I have been considering giving a story idea a second chance, I formed what I find to be dynamic characters within my team and I have planned most all of my chapters. I feel like something is missing or the basis of my story is filler. A couple of my friends whom love fantasy stories and some fellow writers have told me it's a good idea but I am looking for more input. Does this story sound compelling or can anyone point out where it might need work? I intend for this story to be a shorter than normal fantasy novel and it features five mains. It begins with Pieros, a novice magician and experienced scribe. He presides over the scribe quarters of the continent's most important university for occult studies, ruled by a group of High Mages dubbed The Council. To his displeasure, they're moving away from traditional studies into a more "scientific" approach and slowly obsoleting his profession. He is given a mission from The Council to travel to a small southern town and check in on an occult laboratory as they've failed to report back to Reimour Academy in due time. If he accomplishes this, The Council will up his funding and continue caring for the scribe's quarters, which is his primary driving factor as the scribe's are compiled of abandoned kids, family members of practicing mages, and some who fail to show adequate ability in former studies. Pieros' primary hold-ups are his pride, and being a newbie, his powers are not enough for him to complete this mission alone. Over the course of the first 5 chapters, he will discover the arcane laboratory to be in containment and full of horrible monsters to which he stands no chance against. He recruits an old friend who's a decorated knight and served in the royal army of Umbershield. Baudekin's driving factor is his desire for "one final adventure," since he's retired from the army and went on to live a plain life, forming his own family. Pieros also stumbles upon a woman who relocated to the small harbor town the rest of the story is set in following the brutal raid on her hometown in which her husband and several other family members lost their lives. Meridia and her remaining female family members run an inn and bar, and it's implied to be a brothel. Due to her history, she is skilled in rogue-like combat and self-defense, plus basic first aid and medicine. Her driving factor in all of this is, in return for her help, Pieros promises her the resources to provide a better life for her and her young son as his mentor once did for himself and his mother. Baudekin brings in a young and wildly immature swashbuckler, Jector, to aid them after rescuing Jector from an ugly bar fight. Jector's driving factor is not dire, but his personal story is one of evolution. He will discover what he truly desires apart from his reckless life as a pirate and thief. He is tied to Aelynor through a heavily-implied series of romps, leading to an unrequited interest on his part. Aelynor joins a few chapters on once she discovers the group trying to breach the lab she'd been scoping out for a while. Aelynor suffers a lone-wolf complex and despises Baudekin for his deep involvement with the royal army. He'd served in the same group who'd executed her entire clan of forest-dwelling road thieves, and his commander saw her sold into the Church where she'd eventually be exiled. Her driving factor is to ultimately bring an end to The Council's expansion and open-door their terrible experiments, hoping to spark tensions among the capital city of Ronyeria in which Reimour Academy resides, and Umbershield. My plot is meant to be action-driven but I am a more character-focused writer. In summary, the meat of the story occurs inside the arcane lab, as the team storms through it. Pieros discovers incriminating evidence against Reimour Academy and the Counselors, hinting that they knew illicit rituals happened and did nothing to prevent the chaos that unfolds. Mutant creatures believed to have been the mages inhabiting the lab and supernatural entities fill the halls, and it is up to the team to dispatch them. It adds up to a dramatic final battle that resolves in a "...for now..." sort of way. My main idea stems from a dream and a traditional role-playing game setup, 5 team members defeating monsters, and several encounters with especially gruesome monsters, like boss fights. Plus, the mystery and suspense aspect as they uncover the scheme behind it all and the dynamic interactions. Any thoughts or helpful inquiries?
I'm speculating to some extent, since the 'dungeon run' will be the core of the plot but the description here is mainly dealing with the recruitment of the 'party' seen from the perspectives of each character. But for action to matter, the reader has to be emotionally invested, so I think it's right to focus on the preliminary setup. The dungeon run is never going to be more exciting than its recruitment and preparation - it's where the character motives come from. To me, there seemed to be lots of super-convenient details - some of which carry direct risks to the story's interest value, and others just feel like they might do. The stand-out one is the Academy being behind it all all along - if readers see that coming they may dismiss other good things the story does, and if they don't see it coming they'll kick themselves for missing it. So it's lose-lose. By the end of the story the reader shouldn't care about stuff like whose empire falls, or whether there is a future for endangered bleach elementals in the forest of Ooda - it's about the characters. It's fine for the investigation of a fantasy laboratory to produce no firm conclusions, and for the characters to wander back to their lives but (as the reader knows) older and wiser. I'll just list the others as I saw them. It's that they feel more convenient to the writer than interesting to the reader. What I found interesting is it's exactly one thing per character paragraph. The Council will up his funding and continue caring for the scribe's quarters - if that was my character motive I'd be back out the dungeon door at the first sign of a tentacled, otherworldly monstrosity Baudekin's driving factor is his desire for "one final adventure" - if his adventures have included grim and gritty things like executing entire clans, he probably wouldn't desire this Plus basic first aid and medicine - undo button? might reduce tension Leading to an unrequited interest on his part - in a dungeon run, unrequited love might be a weak motivator ("you go first" / he skips into the octagonal spline-portal oblivious: she spoke to him!) Executed her entire clan of forest-dwelling road thieves - and she's the only survivor and ends up working with him. It's often more interesting when characters come to despise each other by being themselves. I'd suggest to treat things like this as over-perfect or artificial cogs in the plot, to chisel them out, and then to document the resulting explosions for the reader.
@evild4ve Ooh thank you for this critique! Definitely some things to think about and I explained a lot of the details too blunt in my post but I definitely intend for most things to be implied or leave it up to the reader to connect the dots. And I feel like it's something I need to hear when it comes to it being fine for the investigation of a fantasy laboratory to produce no firm conclusions, and for the characters to wander back to their lives... it's been one of my concerns about this story, that my ending will not be some big reveal but parting ways, some more content and some torn up. Definitely going to pick on a few of my driving factors as well - I will say, in Pieros' case, I would agree that any normal person would turn away, but his pride is awfully inflated - he's forgotten his humble start and acts above his means. Baudekin could use some work and perhaps I could cut his involvement entirely, he's never intended to be a murderous knight just happens to be present. And when it comes to Meridia's medical skills, I will likely dumb it down to simple bandaging or "slap this root on your cut and hope it helps," sort of trip. On Jector... unrequited interest could evolve with him and one of his primary flaws is being aloof... he's not one to swoon but he could be in for revision. I think your thoughts on Aelynor and Baudekin will work nicely, and if I cut him out of her history and simply let their differences play out it'd be more interesting. Perhaps I should play to my strengths and allow my story to be driven by the team and the choices they commit to in the heat of the action. Not every story should be a "save the whole universe, burn the empire," sort of plot anyway.
