and where is the evidence? Rape and particularly spousal rape (if that is the term) must be incredibly difficult to prosecute.
I would imagine that most men who suffer rape, would not want it to be known what had happened to them. I also imagine there are a lot more female victims out there who never report it either. And then there are those women who go out purposely looking for a rich man to bed and bribe/accuse the morning after.
Sexual intercourse causes a certain amount of bruising to the vagina/cervix. Forced entry creates bruising to a different area of the vagina/cervix. An examination can confirm this - if you are a woman and want to go that far.
By the time a woman comes forward and feels ready enough for someone else to probe their vagina with an unwanted object/finger (in order to go through with this examination), I imagine much of the physical evidence may have disappeared. And without a sample of the semen, it's probably hard to pin it to a particular man - all the man would need would be a few friends who are willing to lie on his behalf and serve as alibis. And the moment there's any witness that could say the woman might have actually wanted it, at least at first, people are going to start asking, "Well did she just regret it the morning after then? That's not rape." Now if we're talking female on male rape, it gets even harder. If the case was the man being forced to penetrate, then given that he was one of the active agents in the event, who can prove he didn't actually want to do it? It's still rape, but it'd be damned hard to prove in court.
I agree. I would like to think that any woman who had been raped, would want to suffer the indignity of an examination knowing the results would be able to prove her story. I also know it's not that easy. I was never raped, as such but I was in a relationship with someone who could be very hands on. I found the strength to walk away quite early, losing everything I had, house, money, dignity but I wasn't prepared to take it any further. I just wanted out.
Glad to hear you walked out of a damaging relationship. When it comes to sexual abuse, the line is sometimes so blurred - either because the situation wasn't clear-cut or because there's psychological bondage involved. I've often wondered why harm to the body is so traumatic - what is it about having given our bodies away, or had our bodies taken forcibly, that somehow marks us so deeply?
I don't know. I think psychology has a lot to do with it, even so far as some women hating themselves for letting themselves or putting themselves in that dangerous situation in the first place. (I know that's not always the case.) Plus, sex and intamacy is one of those things we are taught, happens between two people who love each other (you can still have rough, bondage, playful sex with a person you love) so to be raped, takes all that away at base level because you have no love for that person.
Well, spousal rape - that must be all the more confusing because you do love that person. Mind you, I have no idea what kind of relationship or what situation would actually lead to spousal rape... Does it only happen in already messed-up or abusive relationships, or can it happen even in otherwise healthy, happy relationships?
I think the relationship has to be pretty messed up for rape to occur. I mean, in the average happy relationship, when one partner says 'no' to sex... there's no sex. For the other partner to decide that the 'no' doesn't count and it's time to force sex? Yeah, that's not going to happen in a healthy relationship.
I don't know. There's something in the back of my mind that thinks this may be linked to something cultural, the "wifely duties" thing. I'm sure there are cultures where the wife is seen as nothing more than cook, cleaner, bottle washer and sex-on-tap machine - to put it bluntly. Also - imagine, (and this can be male or female) you go to bed at 10pm with your spouse, turn the TV off, say goodnight and go to sleep, a few hours later, his/her hand creeps across the bed and begins feeling around. You're half asleep, not quite sure if you're dreaming, but you end up having sex. You never said yes, you never said no, it wasn't painful, it wasn't forced and the first lucid thought you had afterwards was "I am not going to get up in the morning for work!" Would you class that as rape?
Consider this conversation: Him: Oh, come on, it's been two week since you let me last make love to you. Her: I'm really tired, been running around after the kids all day. Him: But I really want to. Her: And I really don't want to. Him: It's ten minutes, tops. Her: It's the clean up afterwards. Him: Is that all it means to you? Her: No, I am just not in the mood. You can't turn me on like a tap, it takes time ... Him: Then lets get on with it, less time talking more time doing. Her: Oh for christ's sake! *whips off pajamas* just bloody get on with it! I guarantee this conversation has happened in nearly all loving relationships. I have a friend who charges her husband for blowjobs. And is quite proud of the fact she makes her husband pay for it because most of the time, she cannot be assed to 'put out'. Either of those scenarios classed as rape or sexual assault?
If I was worried about someone taking advantage of me in my sleep I wouldn't be sharing a bed with them. I know there are situations where it is not quite this simple, but just my thoughts on the subject. Her husband is a mug. I have zero respect for him and very little for her.
No, I wouldn't classify either of them as rape or sexual assault. I also wouldn't classify them as signs of a healthy relationship, not if they happen very often. But there's no real coercion or power imbalance or force in either scenario, so... I don't see the crime. Do you?
So you're one of the few men in the world who accepts 'no' every time? Every relationship is different. Sex is not just sex and every couple will figure out their own limits. I know women who run their households with military precision but happily let their partners rule them in the bedroom, simply because it gives them a release from running things.
Are there really so few men who accept 'no' every time? Honestly, if a relationship is this unhealthy that one party is treating the other with this little respect, then I leave the relationship. Admittedly I don't have any real ties so it is rather easy for me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Every guy I've ever been with has accepted 'no' every time I said it. And when the guys I've been with said 'no' to me, I accepted it. Yeah, every relationship is different, but one partner guilting/charging/tricking the other into sex? Weird partnership.
I wouldn't say it was unhealthy. Have you ever persuaded someone to do something they initially didn't want to?? And I'm not just talking about sex here, I'm talking about anything. A visit somewhere, what to eat, what to do, what to watch, where to go ...
So this, this is where the lines get blurry! It's not just about yes or no. Depending on the relationship, it's also about persuasion and compromise. One of you wants it, one of you doesn't. Why does the 'no' person always have to be right?
Having a friendly debate with my girlfriend about whether we should go for an Italian or Chinese is not synonymous with her trying to charge me for a blowjob. The first would be a tender moment in our relationship, the second would be the end of our relationship.
You're missing my point. Forget the payment for blowjobs for a minute, that was an example of different relationships and how far some people are willing to go within their own relationships. The point is, what's the difference between a friendly debate on which restaurant to visit and a friendly debate on whether or not you are going to have sex tonight?
Seriously? Is that the question you want to ask? Does the same question apply to two people meeting in a bar? At what point in a relationship does a person lose bodily autonomy?
I'd agree. The "no" person is always right, if that is an issue for the "yes" person then they are in the wrong relationship. However, many people enjoy a more platonic and rarely physical marriage.
So, friendsly debate on food, you want Italian, she wants Chinese, your debate point is that you had Chinese last time and the rice always sticks in your teeth, that's why you want italian. Versus Friendly debate on sex, you want it, she doesn't. Do you automatically take her first answer of no or do you go in with a debate point?
