Useless Facts

The only way you can truly confirm this is if you are really Andy Warhol. So: are you really Major Andy Warhol, Astronaut? Did you draw a picture of a penis on the moon? Are you sure that said picture was not destroyed or brought back to Earth by later astronauts, cosmonauts, space Nazis, or extraterrestrials?

 

I can confirm that I am in fact Andy Warhol; astronaut, soup can and penis affectionado. Naturally I am able to produce a whole raft of complex documentation to explain how I went to the moon and why I a have come back to life to haunt this specific forum.

*looks shifty*

Yeah, that ought to hold 'em.

 

I call shenanigans. And I would know because I'm secretly Ricardo Montalban.

 

(Addressing the troops) "That's his story, men. We have no choice but to believe it." (To @LostThePlot) "All right, Mr. Warhol, you can go. This time. But remember: we are watching you. One false move..."

 

*takes back my grey wig and pushes soup can back down my pants*

That was 'andy.

*straightens tie and walks out to my rocket*

 

Don't take us for fools. We've known you're really Ricardo Montalban for weeks now. We've been trailing you, hoping you'll lead us to Hervé Villechaize.

 

In fairness, he is very hard to find. You could hide him in a shoe box.

 

And from Hervé Villechaize to Scaramanga, no doubt! We're on to you, Mr. Minstrel.

 

Don't forget about the secret nazi base on the dark side.

 

Why is Andy Warhol on the moon?

 

When you lived through the '60s like Warhol did, there's only so many places you have left to go.

 

That was rather beautiful.

 

What can I say; doing speed and painting soup cans was only fulfilling for so long. Eventually I turned my talents and my money to my true passion; drawing dicks on things visible from all parts of the earth. T'was a passion shared by my father before me, I am proud to have made my dream a reality. And now all and sundry across the world can bathe in the mysterious and beautiful light of my dong.

 

When you think about it, as writers we are the creators and destroyers of worlds.
(Those poor poor fictional constructs might actually exist, ya know).

 

In case you find life a tad too long.

 

Urgh alright Mom I'll put it out.

 

I haven't found the will to quit either.

 

Quitting is for quitters. Smoking is like heroin; the longer you do it the better it is for. That is literally a fact.

 

Just saw a tally from my public library. Over the ten years I've lived here I checked out 4,409 items. I wonder if I get a free toaster or something when I hit 5000.

 

IDK, you could ask your librarian and see what they say.

 

You should mention it casually. My bookstore gave me a whole stack of advanced readers copies once when I was doing my taxes and asked them if they could tell me how many books I'd boughten the previous year.

 

Useless fact: The shape and water depth of a toilet bowl prevent people from drowning in them.

 

Challenge accepted.

 

Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of our brother, who died how he lived; face down in a toilet.

 

This is great - first we sorted my headstone and burial, and now we've got the opening to my eulogy