How do you find this short pitch?

  1. Banal

    0 vote(s)
  2. Cliche

    0 vote(s)
  3. Original

    0 vote(s)
  4. Not bad, not good

    0 vote(s)
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Lordaos

    Lordaos New Member

    Sep 15, 2015
    Likes Received:

    Valley of the fireflies [very brief pitch (600 words)]

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by Lordaos, Sep 15, 2015.

    I'm not the greatest writer in the world but I had this story playing over and over in my head all day and so I wrote down the key points.
    Valley of the Fireflies

    "The winged male and flightless female of which both have luminescent organs. The light is chiefly produced in flashes and typically functions as a signal between the sexes.

    An ordinary looking creature during the day, admittedly, the firefly is a remarkable sight when it glows at night. This is a symbolic message to us humans that although our physical appearance may seem one way - it is our internal makings - what is inside us (such as our spirit) that makes us shine from the inside out.

    That which is within us will always illuminate us and those around us."

    Chapter one

    Dark, quiet and mentally disturbed Sam never speaks.

    He catches a train where he sees a subtly beautiful woman sitting on a 2 seated chair alone next to the train doors. A man stands close to her holding onto the railing to support himself. He is too polite to sit with her.

    Sam stares at the woman, studying every inch of her body. She notices but he does not redirect his gaze. In discomfort she quickly looks away and fidgets about awkwardly.

    The woman leaves the train before the two. The man leaves at the next stop and Sam at several stops after.

    Chapter two

    An unknowable amount of time has passed. Sam stares at her like always. She notices again and in her distress she asks the man standing by her for the time in an effort to deter Sam.

    They click and converse for some time. He sits with her and when the woman has to leave she trades numbers with the man. Sam begins to pick his fingers in irritation until they bleed and drip onto the carriage floor.

    Chapter three

    The woman's hair is dyed a different colour. She notices the man’s absence and expresses disappointment in her face. She tries to call him on his mobile. Sam’s pocket hums silently. The man never answered his phone. She looks at him with worry on her face.

    Chapter four

    It’s very dark outside. Sam purchases unknown goods from a shady character.

    The scene fades to a silhouette standing outside a hospital.

    Sam enters the hospital through a back entrance that was held open with a coin. A man in blue scrubs hands him patient clothing in exchange for the goods.

    Chapter five

    Sam enters the area “Ward 7” and walks over to a chair next to an empty bed and stares out at the dark sky. A lamp dimly lit the room. He appears to eat some mints. He places the teeth neatly in a line on his window ceil.

    Chapter six

    The girl no longer catches the train. Sam is agitated and uneasy. He starts fidgeting and searches all cabins.

    Chapter seven

    It’s very early and foggy. A blue hue illuminates the train station where Sam waits. Sam approaches a man dressed in shady clothing. Hands him a larger sum of money than before.

    As they wait clinging against the brick wall near the railway, a woman appears on her own ready for the first train. None but those were there.

    They take her.

    Chapter eight

    She’s unconscious and bound in the car boot. Drug dealer begins to close the boot but Sam stops him. He hands the man a map, points to the location and then climbs into the boot, closing it behind him.

    Chapter nine

    Girl is bound and dangling from the ceiling of a dark shack that’s dimly lit by an electric lamp. He picks up a bloody, rusty sledge hammer. Her body is dangling in the background.

    She shrieks in terror.

    Chapter ten

    It’s daytime at the hospital.

    A card is picked up off the top of small drawers “In memory of Kim Nicholls, beloved mother of Samuel Meyer” and a form on the bed “Approved day leave” with a bus ticket taped to it.

    Chapter eleven

    Sam approaches the bus station next to the train station. An announcement “All buses travelling to ____ have been terminated, please use the train service. We apologise for any inconveniences.”

    The doors open. The woman is sitting there with her hair the original colour.
  2. Samson Michael

    Samson Michael Member

    Jun 23, 2015
    Likes Received:
    Here and There
    I'm going to start out by saying that no story is original. I don't remember exactly, but there are a very finite amount of stories people write, originality is nothing but a fever dream. What makes each story different is the authors take on the subject. This is purely in reference to the poll you created.

    In terms of the story, I'm going to say this, don't write for your audience. Regardless of my opinion of your outline, I shouldn't, nor should anyone else that might comment, stop you from writing. If you think your idea is worth writing about, write about it. With this in mind, before you write, you should ask yourself a few questions. If you can't answer them, that doesn't mean the story is bad, all it means is that it might need some further work to completely flesh out. Also, as you write, the answers to the questions may change as your story develops. Often, when writing a story, I find that the story not only tells itself, but changes drastically from what I initially intended. Don't limit yourself, and don't be afraid of changing your ideas.

    1. Does your character change due to the events of the story?

    2. Is this the most interesting moment in your character's life?

    3. Does the story have a deeper meaning? (This isn't a necessity, however, when done well, this adds an unimaginable amount of punch to a story.)

    Overall, I think your outline has potential. You didn't give much information about the details, which is fine, but I really can't tell you whether what you have is good or bad, nor should I. I wish you the best of luck on your story.

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