Hey, So I know for certain this will need some tweaking but I wondered if this sounds/feels like an interesting read? Having a very limited network I struggle for honest feedback, or any at all really. This is the first time I've really pushed my eleven year hobby. (I'm horrendously bad with grammar.) My teacher once told me, "You are honestly one of kind. You writing is A grade, but your grammar is an E grade at best. I didn't think that was possible." Of course I've tried to improve this since I left school. However it may lack being somewhat 'professional.' Anyway, here's the blurb: Book title: Rush Ryan Hemming is one fierce MI5 agent, but when the biggest case of his career takes him stateside, Ryan is tasked with the capture of the notorious Cardaman gang. A gang of highly sophisticated thieves and cold-bloodied killers. He must put an end to the trail of bodies spreading across America. When the daughter of a senator falls foul to a brutal murder. Things go from bad to worse, and the biggest problem? Bella Lockhart. Wife to the ring leader, she might just be the most confident woman Ryan has ever met. Her bewitching charm is anything but innocent. Bella is a hurricane of problems that might just get him killed.
Reads like a common blurb to me. I think you should add a word or two about Bella and Ryan besides confident. Maybe alluring? Something that ties them together moreso.
are we talking a blurb for amazon or to pitch your book... I know nothing about the latter, but for the former you need a better hook at the beginning, more emotional engagement - give the reason a reason to care, and you need close with a selling paragraph and a call to action
This sentence is fine grammatically, though it would be more interesting if Ryan didn't sound so generic. Maybe just one detail about what makes him special. This is a sentence fragment. Because of the sentence about the gang, it is no longer clear that "he" refers to Ryan. The first sentence is a fragment. Combining it with the second sentence using a comma will fix that. The ring leader of what? Probably the Cardaman gang, but it's not crystal clear. These sentences, together with the previous one, all read very choppy. This honestly didn't sound too bad, just needed some polishing.
sentence fragments don't matter in marketing blurbs - you are selling books, not completing a university entrance exam I'd highly recommend Bryan Cohens book "How to write a sizzling synopsis" which is only £2.99 on kindle
[Hook] Could you do X to prevent Y ? M15 officer, Ryan Hemming must put an end to the trail of bodies spreading across America. With a gang of thieves and killers on the loose no one is safe, but Ryan's biggest problem is the wife of the ring leader. Bewitching Bella Lockhart is a hurricane of problems that might just get Ryan killed. When a senators daughter is brutally murdered, things go from bad to worse and Ryan must do XYZ to prevent ABC from happening. If he fails it won't just be his career that is over. If you love [comparison author] don't miss this exciting thriller, one click Rush today. (incidentally you've got a plot issue in that M15 is the security service, their remit is anti terrorism and espionage, they don't operate against criminals, nor would they operate in America)
The "but" in the first sentence doesn't really make sense. There's nothing contradictory between the first part of the sentence and the second part. And then I don't really understand the "is tasked" part - how does a UK counter-terrorism officer get "tasked" with solving a US crime spree? I feel like you're overfocusing on the sound of the words, but not paying enough attention to the meaning. Is that possible?
Thanks for all the replies. I haven't made any tweaks to the blurb yet but from your comments I have made some tweaks to the plot. It flows naturally now and it makes sense in a realistic term! (i.e He wouldn't be an mi5 agent and how he wouldn't be sent over to the USA.) It wasn't too hard thankfully! I re-worked it easily into the plot but it fits much better.
