What Are You Doing?

Watching Synth Britannia at the BBC

 

Laying out in the sun on the asphalt next to what used to be a beach but storm surge has made a bunch of giant rocks next to the parking lot then immediate waves.

I will stop being this sickish yellow colour I turn when pale and get back the colour I lost when I started wearing long sleeves and bleaching my skin to be pale for photos and I know it was a bad idea okay I’ve stopped now it’s fine I’m fine this is fine

 

Trying to stop the week from starting by not going to bed.

Ah, bollocks! G'night all.

 

Cooking, or something approaching that.

 

Remember to flip every so often, gotta cook evenly on both sides.
Also good luck on the tanning.

 

That Chewie bacon is

Hope everyone is well. Sorry you had a low spell, Cave Troll.

I'm watching TV and dreading work tomorrow.

 

Funny thing is I’ve been getting the most sun expose from the back over the months, I don’t know why, so I was sitting so my face and front could soak and even a bit.

But I ended up going for a bike ride and realising I wasn’t ready for THAT long of a bike ride with THAT steep of an incline THAT many times in a row.

So I’ve come back to collapse in a chair and bemoan my life choices. Not the big ones, mind, just the inconsequential.

 

I think when things of either nature pile up, they kinda wear on you.
Take care, and have fun.

 

I love subduing these people with a napkin holder box - perfect size, perfect weight, convenient handhold - makes dramatic wall-art.

Yeah, I don't go out anymore.

 

Up earlier than usual. Have some time to kill. Might have to hide this extra times body in my basement. For safe keeping, obviously.

That aside, I'll write. Had a really neat dream to make into a poem.

 

Today went....well, it came and went.

The beauty of waking up so early is that my day ends either around this time or 1pm. Now I've got all the time in the world. Well, until 8pm, then I'm toast.

I'll eat some cashews, sit on the sofa and play with the nuts.

 

RE: underlined. So you have partial understanding. You've already self examined, thought things through and figured out part of it, thus you have the ability to understand and resolve issues, so all you need to do is continue your journey to figure out the rest.

Spoiler: tud...

You've theorised possible reasons that fit the picture, but have yet to have that realisation of what it actually is. I regard a realisation is when you're convinced you're found what you're looking for, A kind of gut instinct you've nailed it, 'cus in many things regarding non corporial things, there's no tangible evidence...you only see the real evidence after solution is implimented an you experience real change.

RE: last comment. Agreed. You can't find a solution, answer, increased understanding if you avoid the effort to do so. So there's a possible impediment to sort out too, understanding what compels us to avoid things.

When I began my self knowledge journey I wasn't even aware such a thing existed. All I knew was I'm naturally curious and enjoy understanding, fixing and improving things, and I didn't like the negatives in my soul that kept screwing up my quality of life. As I began my journey I spent more time avoiding, denying, covering over, compensating, etc. As my self confidence, skill, knowledge and understandiing slowly grew during the active seasons of sorting my shit out, the avoidance etc slowly decreased and the proactivity increased.

Sorting out the reasons I avoided etc was part of the journey to sort my shit out. Thus all I was doing was increasing in self knowledge and choosing better ways to respond. One of the most profound things I discovered on my journey is - no matter how insane\irrational or bizarre my behaviour or how out of control it is, there has always been a simple internal mechanism or more that drove them. Thus the difficulty is not an intellectual one of understanding my dysfunction and how to resolve it, but what dysfunctions I have that cause me to avoid.

In other words, walking is easy and practially everyone can do it, the difficulty is the experience of a long arduous walk into unchartered territory, yet it is the very experience of such an endeavour that makes manifest all that one requires to fulfill that journey.

My advice...

"When you're going through hell, keep going." - Unknown

 

Spoiler: tud...

I'm not a fun person to be around when ill or fatigued. I tend to be more negative than positive. I also remember how messed up I was for 40 years. I had a bit of a temper tantrum yesterday due to a soul crisis that I first noticed when I was a kid. A particular glitch that fires up quite intensely due to a specific trigger.

Thus I've been examining and reminiscing and reconsidering the very nature of the human condition, and in light of this woman's irrational behaviour, it makes me once again ponder there's something intrinsically wrong with this reality and the state of humanity. Why are we so messed up as a species. Why does it seem that the very nature of humanity perpetuates this messed up state, and can we eventually mentally or spiritually evolve so we're no longer creating this mess that's passed down from generation to generation.

 

First half of Monday was bad. Had a hissy fit, plans were not working out, then centred myself and spend my time self examining to re-establish my priorities and stop fretting about trivial things.

Still aggitated but organising the '4 tools trip' that gelled into place at noon (not my doing), thus off I went, picking up the last item around 5pm, a positive and productive day.

(will upload pics at a later date)

Spoiler: tud...

- The Dropsaw is old but in pristine condition, well looked after; had a nice chat about tools and the building industry.

- Then a few mins up the road hitting Bunnings for 1.5 hours (waiting for next bloke to finish work) for window shopping for wood glue, clamps, all the small tools drill bits etc I'll eventually need to do the future builds.
- After an hour, got back to me ute and he rings me saying he's half an hour early, so I drive for a couple of mins and grab the bench grinder - old, it was his father's, just needs a clean; I thought it may need new bearings but amazingly it took so long to wind down; another old but pristine condition tool.

- Then 1.5 hrs north to Devonport for the mitrebox\saw jig; No hearse drivers around so had a consistent 110kph run; fuel light came on 20 mins before Devonport, needle eventually getting very close to empty, hoping there's a United station (I get 6c\L off with me RACT (Tassie car breakdown club thingy) card); I go over the next rise and there's a United station all alone...sweet; I arrive, the mitrebox, perhaps 1 decade+ old (will research), never used; had nice chat, great view from their house overlooking Bass Straight. Serene and peaceful atmosphere, about 1km away and you could hear the beach waves; showed me his pristine decades old Suzuki 1L 4 cyl ute.

- A few streets away for the drill press. Much smaller than I imagined but thus well suited for my tiny tool room. Needs a smidgen of restoration (looking forward to doing this), but unknown to me, came with a steel drill press vice. Had a short chat; It was late, I'd been up since midnight, just wanted to get home, have a coffee, shove a hot water bottle under me back and slowly doze off under the flickering light of me tv while watching some wood working vids.

- The Hiway route from Lonnie to Devonport is weird; it seems to be a huge left arc instead of following the river straight north-south. I didn't want to head south back to lonnie, then north-east back to home. I knew there's smaller country roads I can take diagonally back to home, told the navsat to take the shortest route instead of quickest, thus had a slightly surreal dusk, twilight to dark drive for 2.5 hrs along various sized country back roads through farming and unpopulated areas.

That was a wise decision as the drive home had a somewhat spiritual flavour to it; the quiet unbusy windy slower roads and deminishing light setting the perfect mood for the therapy session I had as I contemplated the earlier inner turmoil, the nature of the human species and other things.

- Arrived home around 7:30, feeling physically tired but internally mellow. Left all the tools in the ute. Made a coffee, heated up the water bottle, cleaned the day's small amount of grime off me bod, peacefully zonked out and awoke at 2am.

- Gonna give me back one more week to recoup before hangin' out with the grass trimmer and lawn mower. That'll also be close to a month without any riding or calis. Whatever the illness was, it hit me for far too long. Looking forward to getting back into my usual active lifestyle. Just gonna chill out and relax for the rest of the week.

 

I've been watching a subtle trend. Your mood seems to vary when your level of activity drops. What about a bridge activity, walking maybe (less for more times per)? Just something that clicked.

 

IDK... Loading...

Looking forward to cashing the check I meant to cash today.

And wondering what I am going to do, now that I don't know
where I will actually fit in. But for now turning the dial back to
about 9-ish will probably be best.
Anything from 10-15 will be just for me, and only me.

Also I need to think of how to finish a chapter so I have something
for group on Thursday. Suppose I can do that tomorrow.

Well that is all I got.

 

Sitting at the dinner table, singing Open Arms by Journey. My niece told me to, quote "Uncle! Please let the group sing it and shut up, okay? love you..."

Pft, brat, this is my house. I sing whenever I want. Muahahaha.

I'm kidding. Need to get my head straight and shut the fuck up. Maybe some breakfast would work.

 

Playing chess and losing. Just lost my queen. When am I gonna get better at this, damn it!

 

Settling down at home with @LostThePlot

 

I still stand a chance then. I mean I only lost a queen... and a knight... and a couple of pawns...

 

They have a PDF of the book online if you need help now.

 

Can't lose to an opponent who isn't breathing.