@Hwaigan, yes that in your five steps is pretty much what I am trying to say. 1. I felt attracted to Marie. 2. I told her about it. 3. She told me she had a boyfriend. 4. I accepted friendship. 5. She broke the friendship. I thought she did so because she thought I had bad intentions. 6. I am trying to show that from the beginning my intentions were pure. Here is another paragraph. Hopefully it is more clear. In the letters I wrote to her after she stopped being my friend, I mentioned her physical and personal beauty, but with these words I was not trying to seek more than friendship. I was trying to repair the friendship that we had before. I settled for friendship before, after she responded to my explanation of how I felt about her. I thought she stopped being my friend because she did not believe my words from beginning to end, and that I wanted more from her than I settled for. I was trying to prove to her that my intentions toward her were pure by recounting the initial things that drew me to her, not to pursue her with my words for something more than friendship, which we had lost already, but to prove that the beginning was not based on lies or anything inappropriate.
Is there a reason it has to all be in one paragraph? And why you have to start from the end (the letter)? I think part of the issue is that you've got events from a lot of different times mixed in together. If you're struggling with clarity (which we mostly all agree you are), I think you should probably simplify. Tell this in the order it happened.
I want to explain from the present. 1. I was attracted to Marie but not in a lustful way. 2. I learned she had a boyfriend. 3. I explained my feelings to her. 4. I apologized for expressing feelings when I knew she had a boyfriend. 5. She told me she would like to be my friend. 6. She stopped being my friend because of some stupid words of mine. 7. I am explaining that my motives were pure from the beginning, and using my past attraction to her as evidence of pure intentions.
Can someone recommend some books on writing clearly? Not books on mechanics or anything like that, but how to actually structure information. For example, how BayView suggested I write the events in the order they happened.
Okay, so maybe it's not just the words that are confusing things - maybe you're a bit confused about the ideas you're trying to express, too. As asked above, what do you mean about being attracted to someone "not in a lustful way"? Like, it wasn't a physical attraction? What do you mean by "pure"?
I thought she was pretty but I wasn't thinking about having sex with her. I just wanted to talk to her.
Okay, so, in terms of clarity - It's generally important to have an idea of who your audience is for a piece of writing, and what your goal is. Who's your audience for this paragraph? It sort of sounds like Marie is, but then I'm not sure why you're referring to her in third person rather than second. Is Marie your audience? If she is, drop the third person (her) and go for second (you). If she isn't - who are you writing this for? And what's your goal for this paragraph? Again, it sort of seems like you're trying to get Marie to forgive you, but if that's the case, I'm not sure you're going about it the right way. What is she actually angry at you for? In point 6 of post 28 you mention "stupid words" of yours. What were those stupid words? It sounds like maybe THOSE are what you should be apologizing for...?
Point 6) seems odd to me. If the MC was friends with her initially, I doubt some stupid words would change it. We all value friendship (even superficial), but women tend to express that explicitly and more often than men. Stopping being friends (this sounds really weird ) with the opposite sex based on words is the thing a guy is likely to do. In other words, I sense a logical glitch in this point. I think Marry would stop being friends with him if he tried to do something to her, assail her, stalk her, try to rape her. It does matter what stupid words the MC tells here, 'cos I'm really curious. The MC must have been really nasty for her to stop talking to him...
Well, I don't think that's a valid stereotype, Hwaigon. I don't think women are less sensitive to verbal insults than men are. I agree, though, that it would help me understand the situation if I knew just what the stupid words were.
That was not what I was saying. I said that women tend to be more expressive about the value of friendship with guys. I haven't heard a guy expressing his concerns about a possible loss of friendship with a girl. Never. But again, generalizations are baaaaad, I know.
Disagree. But I don't want to spark up another stupid sexist discussion, being bored out of mind of presenting arguments. Let's focus on the thread.
So I guess the trouble is that I am not able to write clearly. Or at least, if I am able, I tend to block myself from doing so. The paragraph was supposed to explain something from the present, the time in which it was written. BayView told me to write it in the order it happened. I am not sure how to combine exposition and narration in order to do so. It seems that is what I need to do. Can someone give me some insight into that? Also, can someone recommend any books that teach how to write clearly? Not one that focuses on mechanics, but one that focuses on the process of thinking and organizing information.
I can't really think of a book that covers all styles of writing, ever. What style of writing are you trying for, here? Is this fiction or non-fiction? Is the paragraph meant to stand alone or is it part of something larger? That said, Elements of Style (Strunk and White) is a pretty well-accepted basic style guide. It's not perfect, but it's solid. And it's SHORT, which is always nice.
"I am not sure how to combine exposition and narration in order to do so. It seems that is what I need to do. Can someone give me some insight into that?" Dude, you've received ten times more insight than myself when I needed to clarify sections of my first writing posted here. If our responses didn't constitute enough of an insight into your paragraph, then what were they? We all tried to clarify your paragraph. I guess it's time you got buckled down and started working out for yourself how to write it more clearly. Read a lot, focus on how information is distributed within a sentece. Do some SAT reading tests for killer inference/clarity skill.
After she stopped being my friend, I wrote letters to her, some containing the mention of things beyond friendship, not to obtain anything from her, because I settled for friendship once I knew she had a boyfriend, but to prove at the present time that in the past, when I was first attracted to her, my attraction toward her was not of the sort that would lead me to dishonor her, neither in the past, nor in the present. Is that better?
Do you know that's all one sentence? Maybe that can be your first step toward clarity. One or two clauses per sentence. When I first met her, I was attracted to her. Then I found out she had a boyfriend, so I was happy to be her friend. [For some reason which is still TOTALLY UNCLEAR] I wrote her letters talking about being more than friends. She got angry. I wish she hadn't, because the point of the letters was... [STILL TOTALLY UNCLEAR].
After she stopped being my friend, I wrote letters to her. These letters contained words that hinted at things beyond friendship, but I did not write them to gain anything beyond friendship. I wrote them to express my past attraction toward her, the attraction that I had before I knew she had a boyfriend. Once I knew she had a boyfriend, I settled for friendship, but I wanted to make sure that she understood that my original intentions were pure, even though those are not the intentions I have now. How about that?
Well, I definitely think you're getting stylistically more clear. But I still have no idea what the hell you wrote the letter for, or why she stopped being your friend... So, I guess I'd go back to the two questions I suggested - who's your audience, and what's your goal. If I'm your audience (or someone like me) and your goal is for me to understand your actions, you're not there yet. But if you're writing for a different goal or a different audience, maybe this would work. I really can't say, since you haven't said what your goal or audience is...
The audience is someone close to her. The goal of writing is to obtain forgiveness. The reason she stopped being my friend is because she thought I was taking advantage of her. Here is another attempt: After she stopped being my friend, because she felt that I was taking advantage of her, I wrote letters to her seeking to prove the contrary. In these letters I wrote about her physical and personal beauty, which you consider expressions of things beyond friendship. But I did not write them intending to gain more than friendship. I wrote them to express the attraction that I felt toward her before I knew she had a boyfriend, to prove that my original motives were pure, even though my present motives are only to be her friend.
The audience is someone close to her. The goal of writing is to obtain forgiveness. The reason she stopped being my friend is because she thought I was taking advantage of her. This is not a paragraph from your story? You really intend to send this to someone? I didn't get this at first. Pardon me then...
Woops. @waitingforzion, are you writing a story here? Or is this a real letter, to a real person which you intend to send? I based my critique of your paragraph on the assumption that this was a piece of fiction you were trying to write. If this is a real letter ...well, I'm nosing out here. That's not my call. Yikes.
No. I'm not sending it to anyone. I want to express clearly a situation in the form of a letter for my own satisfaction, and have it reviewed by someone, so that I can confirm my ability to write clearly and poetically. But I don't think I even want it to be seen by anyone. I want to perfect at least one paragraph, to make certain that I am able to write.
This is a pretty complicated paragraph--what you feel now, what you felt then, what you did now, what you did then, your intentions now, your intentions then, what you think that she thinks, what you want her to know, the distinction between non-sexual attraction and sexual attraction. If this is primarily a writing exercise, I'd recommend choosing another, simpler subject.
So you think the ideas are too advanced for a beginning writing exercise, and maybe that is the reason why I am having trouble expressing it? Can these ideas even be expressed at all? I will work on finding a simple subject to write about. But I find it difficult to pick things to write about. I don't want to depend on writing prompts, but if someone could give me some expository or narrative prompt maybe I could work on that.
