Sorry to be depressing, but I can feel myself being slowly crushed, a bit like that advert about... a license or something, where the car is crushed up. In advance, this isn't just a... rant or release, I think I need some help or something - that's the problem i have no idea what i want. I feel mentally and emotionally unstable. I know i'm not the only one and I know there are people far worse off, but we each have our own problems that are ours alone. We don't have OTHER people's problems. In secondary/high school i ended up being later and later in the mornings until i was getting late stamps at least 4 times a week, but no one bothered to care anymore. I would storm through corridors at no provocation whatsoever. Ok, teenagers, yeah yeah we all know the story. Even now i see girls from that school and wonder if they were there when I was. Often i've seen people looking at me, and i can tell they know. In college I completely shut off. I refused to work in groups, I ignored or was rude to the people who MAY have actually cared, and who I cared about. At work, it's the same, only worse. I'm on a final warning and should have lost my job by now. The person who gave me chances again and again, I can't stand to be around. I get bothered and flustered because he knows more than i am comfortable with. The same happened at college. I can't stand to be around people. I joined Writing.com last year, but in the chatrooms, being around people, even on the damn Internet, I lost it. I offended people with my opinions unintentionally. Although the whole time i could see no one liked me or ever would. So I left that site, as useful as it was. Well, im still with them, but i cant go into chat and i deleted everything in my port. I deleted all my friends on facebook and deactivated my account because I was changing my status every few minutes. That's how my head gets. I've stopped talking to some people at work and i fckuing hate it when people try to make idle small talk, try to make me laugh, or ask those BLOODY ANNOYING questions: "how are you? are you all right? how was your weekend? did you do anything? are you doing anything?" i've been there six months and i know they know me better. Yet they keep driving the nails in deeper. I don't want to say another word to any of them but i know i will end up having to. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and stuff, and supposed to be starting an in-work one too. The latter i have changed my mind about but it's too late. And i need this job. I will not get another, it took me 2 and a half years to get this one, and only got it because someone dictated what to write on the application. I'm not fit to work with the public. But there's nothing else i can do. So far with the psychiatry, the impression he got of me was that i hadnt had a chance to find myself. Or something like that. Apparently i need to realise that no one DOESNT have strengths, and that i just need to realise that life is what we put into it. I know all that. That's why i thought i needed help, but when all you want is to not wake up, no matter how happy you are or if you achieve the impossible and get to meet one of the people who mean the most to you, i still just dont want to be here. Offer me everything i could ever want forever, no catch, on a plate to me, or a tablet that would just end everything on another, i'd take the pill. I know i sounds hopeless, and difficult, indeed I don't know what i;m asking for. I'm on another forum for support on a physical condition and already i can foresee i will leave that, against better judgement. I will probably leave these 2 amazing writing forums i have ONLY JUST found, but i'm not in control of myself. I'm writing this knowing if anyone does read it, they will just be like, ohh grow up. Etc blah blah blah. Maybe I WANT that. Maybe i want more people to turn against me. All i ever wanted was to fit in and TRY. Some things are out of my control and dictate some limitations in that already, but i've long accepted that that is not who i am. Wheni get to know someone, i begin to realise i dont want to know them, however awesome they are. I cant do the happy, thing, I HATE laughing. I love family guy though, which is odd. But i do contradict myself in many ways. As this is a writer's forum, with creative people, I guess i hope someone might have some wise words. If this is inappropriate, then delete the thread, and accept my apologies. I just feel, suffocated. I've been caught up in a story i'm beginning to develop, but what for? I can't end everything. There's nothing I can or want to do. So what now? I'm 18. Ok time's gone quick, and i'm still changing, but i dont want to get better. I dont want to be happy. Whatever happens, good or bad, or nothing, it's too much. I can't stand the thought of another 20, 30, 40, plus years, whatever it holds. Any ideas? Just slag me off if you want, i'd be greatful for anything. Sorry.