worst opening lines?

Well done!

 

I don't think children are very good at understanding adaptions of classical literature.

 

True. The little gits...

 

Of course I am watching you when you read this. Yes I know you are sitting comfortably, and the creeps are starting to come on now. So how long will it take before you go to the window and pull the shades? Or do you like it when I watch you...wait it just occurred to me that you are watching me watching you. Turn around and ignore the man in the bushes watching you reading my writing. I mean you are seeing things, yes most definitely you are seeing things. Just go about your business, there is nothing to worry about.

 

Also Steerpike it should be stray. I'm sorry! (runs away)

 

Or maybe I meant a cat that has a tendency to remain in the same geographic location for extended time periods...

 

But wouldn't that one probably have an owner?

 

No, it may just be content.

 

Then why must it be in want of an owner?

 

It isn't. The opening is ironic.

 

Call me Ishmael. Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the desire for brains. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, looking for brains; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately eating brains, and methodically knocking people's hats off - to get to their brains, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.

 

Is the sea full of brains? What is it that you know that we don't?

 

I guess you'll just have to read my upcoming novel - Moby Brains

 

I would, but I think my brains are insufficiently moby to understand it.

 

The weather? Who gives a damn about the weather? What about all these demons trying to invade my freaking house? So yeah you have to straighten out your priorities, cause there are much more dire things taking place at the moment. In case you haven't noticed demons have decided to come through the portal that opened in my living you room. So fuck all about the damned weather, get your ass in here and help me with this portal to hell will ya.

 

"Manuel? I don't need no manuel."

The DIY home nuclear power plant shouldn't have been capable of exploding, but humanity, it always finds a way.

 

Step one find a competent individual, cause you are not quite up for the task we are about to embark on. Also tell Larry to get that screw driver out of his nose will ya.