Oh my God, finally I'm good at something! At crappy writing, no less. I should have guessed I think it could have been worse, but it's got potential and you can't tell for sure it's a mockery, so well done. @peachalulu I'm sorry, you used the word muumuu which makes me instantly like it
"Attack!" Master Sergeant John Forge shouted angrily while a hail of bullets wrecked havoc all over him. His friends, Colonel Dutch Hunter and Petty Officer Jack Talon charged forward menacingly, shooting their guns hard at the enemy. Skulls exploded and brains flew through the air. The enemy was also attacking when he threw grenades and they exploded with a tremendous explosion. There was blood and guts everywhere. John Forge noticed his clip was out of bullets when he came face to face with an enemy. He used his muscular arms to throw him into the meat grinder. The space ship shook when the shields were hit by enemy lasers. "The shields are down!" Petty Officer Dutch shouted despairingly. John Forge tore off the enemy's head and crushed it with his bear hands. Then he gave Dutch a hard stare. "Fuck."
I think I might have stopped right there! I laughed out loud reading this. This is a masterpiece of bad. "Shooting their guns hard at the enemy" as if it's possibly to shoot softly at the enemy ... Beer spewed out my nose, and I wasn't even drinking beer.
“Die!” cried the warrior Arnaulf, raising his mighty sword to plunge into the side of the foul creature; yet even as he prepared to strike the beast reared its massive bulk and wrapped itself around him in an ever-tightening coil, squeezing the life out of him; and as he drew his last dying breath, right before the eyeballs popped out of his head, only one question remained in his mind – had he remembered to feed the cat before he left the house?
I just imagined myself as Arnold Schwarzenegger typing a story about three guys who look exactly like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and it just came out like that. Yay, our snotty brewery is back in business! Whoopsie, my bad. That's what I get for spotting an interesting thread, jumping in on the 2nd page, and catching a few longer-than-one-sentence posts (and misunderstanding the thread title of "worst opening lines"). Oh well, I'll stick to one from now on if I get an inspiration to write the opening sentence of the sequel to Master Sergeant John Forge's adventures on his space ship/flying slaughter house/sausage factory.
There was something not quite right about Thomas Stokes – reflected Victoria – which was rather odd in itself really, because by all appearances he seemed to be a very average sort of boy, but it was only after you’d been looking at him, really seeing him, that you’d begin to notice little things that were just off, like the way the features on either side of his face didn’t quite seem to line up, or the way his flat blue eyes would always appear to be looking about a quarter inch to the right of whomever he was speaking to, or the way all the dogs and cats on the neighborhood avoided him – for animals are perceptive – yet these indications were so subtle, so barely discernible that you could almost think that you were imagining things; it was for this reason – this sense of off-putting-ness – that you felt compelled always to address him using his formal name “Thomas” and never the more familiar “Tom” (“Tommy” of course being completely out of the question).
It was quiet for once the winds had finally died down; this was a sign that the planet had finally come around and was healing from the incident.
Well, this thread is even worse than it was when I got up YESTERDAY morning. Congratulations, guys! I'm away to make more , and settle in for the duration.
I think this was pretty darn good 'cause my attention was seriously wavering, and I quit reading by the time I got to 'quarter inch to the right' 'cause I was completely lost.
You think that's bad? You ain't seen nothin yet! A canopy of clouds hung in the sky, ranged from soup-green to ebony in color, the sign of some dark omen that was ominous. Lightning was reached down from the darkness like long, purple tendrils of oceanic seaweed, the claws of some angry god. Thunder rang through the air, louder than the pained scream of a man being skinned alive, louder than the sounds your neighbors make at three in the morning when they decide to have sex after doing too much meth. Rain fell in a great watery torrent, like twelve thousand hoses were poured water in a torrent from the clouds.
Oh my... who claims to have queef'd this turd? The use of 'also' is spectacular - it reads like he was writing it (presumably with a crayon) and suddenly realised he'd forgotten the enemy were attacking. Because they may have actually been knitting when their skulls exploded and brains flew through the air. I can relate to this. Stupid neighbours. The cops busting in in the morning are usually quieter. And they apologise afterwards.
So this one time after i got out of bed and had breakfast and brushed my teeth i went to the shops because my friends said to meet them there but i didnt go right away because i also needed to help mum with the dishes she swears alot.
The weather outside, when Jeff was waking up, was a lot the weather from that seen in Braveheart (if youve ever seen it) when Mel Gibson who played Braveheart was asking if he could ride in the rain with the girl he was going to marry and he described the rain as fine scottish whether that the rain was coming slightly sideways, but that is not important because this story is a bout Sarah, who lived four states over from Jeff where the weather was pleasant like those commercials for fabric softener and show white sheets blowing on a clothes line, and Sara was strapping on her guns.
Surely a foreigner like me can pull this off without a hitch. "Release the dragon!" exclamated the High Poobah of the Order of the Half-Crescent Half-Full Moon as he flung his mighty wand to and fro, which smote all his vile enemies in one mighty blow - thus begins the story of a D&D obsessed accountant in upstate New York.
In the autumn of 20--, five hundred attorneys were engaged in preparing the text of the governing agreement the United States government would use when negotiating with contractors who would be involved in rebuilding the transportation infrastructure - the roads, bridges, tunnels, freeways, tollbooths, safety barriers, and so on - of the legally-designated Greatest Nation on Earth. Nine of these lawyers (the Asphalt Esquires, as history would remember them) were, for seventeen weeks, tasked with the task of composing the working definition of the word "asphalt" that would legally apply throughout this ponderous document. This is their story.
I don't know if you would say it is the worst, or the best, and I can't remember if it was the very first line of the movie or not, but here is on from the movie Bubba-Ho-Tep. Elvis:
Challenge accepted! It was a dark and silent moonlit night. In the dark the wind howled softly and wolves howled too. It was scary! No kids would go there to play at night, too scared of the monsters. A witch by her cauldron with large warts and one missing eye said many confusing and strange words as a green glow came from the green cauldron and the fire turned green quickly. Suddenly fire erupted! It flew across the sky! She laughed evily and the townspeople far away began to scream as the dark night turned really bright green! It was horrible! Their houses were set on fire and many died from carbon monoxide poisoning in their sleep. Children cried, dogs barked, and everyone screamed! The witch continued to laugh as she flew in the sky over the big white moon. She watched the destruction and was very happy with what she had done. The villagers ran from home and gathered in the woods. They were very sad and unsure of what to do. "Let's go see the king!" Called out the blacksmith. He was right! The king would know and everyone agreed as they set off toward the capital of the land of Fantasia.
@A.M.P., the hyperbadness of your submission is an inspiration to all of us who strive to pollute literature with vats of bird poop. Well done! And by that, I mean very badly done!
