1. Razvi

    Razvi New Member

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    Writing about thoughts

    Discussion in 'Character Development' started by Razvi, Jan 20, 2019.

    I wanted to reintroduce a character in another one's thought. I wrote it like this:

    “You shouldn’t be doing this, Ronald, you know it. Your daughter loves you, and I know you love her too… Why put her through something like this? Just for money? For my money?” Alice’s voice echoed among Ron’s thoughts.

    Shut it, Alice, you left this world, enjoy your happy ending!” thought Ron.

    And I don't know if it's alright or not, any tips? Please?

    Thank you very much :love:
     
  2. EBohio

    EBohio Banned

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    At this point all I can say is that the way it is written, I know Alice is dead, but is Ron hearing her from the beyond or is he imagining what she would say if she were still alive. So it depends on your story and what you want the reader to know.
     
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  3. Razvi

    Razvi New Member

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    Ron is on his way to insanity so he is hearing voices.
     
  4. EBohio

    EBohio Banned

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    So if this isn't a fantasy where Alice could be actually talking to him from the beyond then it should be clear to the reader that his mental instability is at fault.

    Perhaps, he is seeing hallucinations as well. So maybe this:

    Shut it, Alice, you left this world, enjoy your happy ending," he shouted to Alice's apparition.
     
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  5. Razvi

    Razvi New Member

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    Omg, that's a good idea. Thank you !!
     
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  6. Thomas Larmore

    Thomas Larmore Member

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    You might not want the audience to know right away that Ron is "hearing" Alice in his head. Keep in mind that Ron doesn't know he's losing his mind, why give that info to the reader?
     
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  7. EBohio

    EBohio Banned

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    I need to hunt down "Who Is Harry Kellerman And Why Is He Saying Those Terrible Things About Me". The short story not the film.

    The film had Dusting Hoffman in it but it received mixed reviews: http://articles.latimes.com/1999/jun/02/entertainment/ca-43177

    I don't remember if the reader knows right away what is going on. I don't think they do.
     
  8. matwoolf

    matwoolf Contributor Contributor

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    I thought you wrote it quite well. I understood a daughter's voice in a father's mind - and she's dead? But the response is 'ultra-wacko...' unless you want him to be crazy?

    ”Shut it, Alice, you left this world, enjoy your happy ending!” thought Ron

    ...'happy ending' in whatever context comes before 'leaving this world'...so...

    ...and Daddys do tend to be a little more tender in their attitudes to daughters - a secondary point.
     
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  9. LazyBear

    LazyBear Senior Member

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    My voices are usually very brief, loud and angry. Might scold me with an old relative's voice and question what I am doing. Sometimes hearing a beast breathing heavily in my ear, clawing me or licking my face. Very weird to feel it's sticky saliva when my eyes tell me there's nothing in my room.
     
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  10. Rzero

    Rzero Reluctant voice of his generation Contributor

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    Depending, of course, on the character's views regarding an afterlife and whether or not life is necessarily so wonderful here on planet Earth. The term "sweet release" comes to mind. This could be specific to situation too. I'm only speculating here, but a happy ending could involve relief from physical pain and/or illness. If we're reintroducing a character, we probably know something about how she died.
    Since this is the case, I might go with "Alice's voice echoed in Ron's mind" to separate her voice from his internal monologue. "Among his thoughts" is a might more poetic, but ambiguous. Until I read his reply, I wasn't entirely sure if he was hearing her voice or just figurative "echoes" of her personality in his own thoughts. If you're going to jump back and forth between them, you'll want each clearly defined every time either appears. I think the notation is spot on though. It's well written too. I'm intrigued.

    This is just a thought. You may have had something like this in mind already, or it might not fit at all, but it would fun to shift, slowly or quickly, from noting that she's in his head early on to using dialog tags as if she's in the room later, as in: "You know this is wrong," came Alice's voice again, and then later, "I told you so," said Alice.
     
  11. matwoolf

    matwoolf Contributor Contributor

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    You're right...I was thinking more in terms of logical sequence for prose - big, fat, hairy monster RATHER than hairy, fat, big monster - which is for 'experts only...' or people for whom English is a second language.
     
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  12. Rzero

    Rzero Reluctant voice of his generation Contributor

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    Ah. I see. I didn't read you right. I thought you were referring to the course of events, because "You're gone. Enjoy the fact that you're gone." makes sequential sense to me as a native English speaker.
     
  13. matwoolf

    matwoolf Contributor Contributor

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    To be fair - it looks okay today. It's the dribble condition. Mine - incurable.
     
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  14. Rzero

    Rzero Reluctant voice of his generation Contributor

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    I have that!
     
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  15. Razvi

    Razvi New Member

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    Actually, Alice is Ron's husband. It's hard to understand if you don't read the entire text and I can't post in the workshop yet :<
     
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  16. Razvi

    Razvi New Member

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    I used the "happy ending" term because Alice had cancer and she died. Ron was planning to kidnap his daughter( Camille), and the entire kidnap was organized by Ron's sister( Nancy). When they were almost done with the preparations Ron had a moment of humanity, I'd say, when he felt guilty because he was going to kidnap his daughter, that's when he heard Alice.
     
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  17. StaggeringBlow

    StaggeringBlow Member

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    Alice's voice echoed in his head, "You shouldn't be doing this Ronald and you know it. Your (our?) daughter loves you, and I know you love her too... Why do you put her through this? For money? For MY money?"
    Not sure if he was hearing things or not, Ron responded, "Shut it Alice! You left this world, now enjoy your happy ending"
     
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  18. Razvi

    Razvi New Member

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    Thank you!!
     
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