Blog Entries from O.M. Hillside

  1. Don't Waste A Day

    Time isn't real. It's imaginary. It's useful. Like money, a measure of the value -- again abstract -- that we place on energy. Energy moves things. And humans find that amusing. That's the basis of society. Good stuff. I think that's fun. And I want in on the fun. The energy part. Money as a means of extending that energy. I hate being cooped up in my house. And yet, that's the life I've lived. I'm not an introvert, yet I've always lived like one. Hoping I'd somehow gain the impetus and the...
  2. Being Logical

    I think I tend to be a person of extremes and I'm high in plasticity -- highly attributable to my age, I think -- in that I can change easily. I can entertain new viewpoints too easily and get lost in considering them. I went from a radically logical teenager to an idealistic and "follow your intuition" young adult. Both have been wrong approaches to life. The former led me to shun emotion and praise rationality and had me ignoring this deep inner feeling of sadness/emptiness brought about...
  3. Ups and Downs

    So this virus happens to be the most interesting global situation to occur during my time on this Earth. Technically I was alive for 9/11, but very young. And 9/11 is arguably more interesting in that the conflict has an agenda and centuries of rather fascinating history. Viruses don't really, as far as we know in the paradigm of "lower" forms of matter are not conscious. Which is a paradigm I generally follow. Although, I observed a bacterial colony invading a bottle of apple juice I left...
  4. Devil Dream

    I've had two dreams which can be considered "devil dreams". The first one is undoubtedly a devilish/demonic dream. It happened a couple years ago when I was still in a very strange head space compared to now. That said, I had more optimism then. Anyway, I was incredibly anxious and paranoid that day when I was trying to sleep. Parents were going at it (not in that way, the other meaning) for days by that point, screaming and arguing for, seemingly, the purpose of arguing. I was worried about...
  5. Negative Self Talk

    There's a part of my mind who has varying levels of activity. Sometime's he's silent, quiet, loud, and other times downright domineering. He's the one who is always shitting on me, life, my situation, whatever it is I'm trying to do, etc. I don't know what his purpose is, to be honest. I'm not sure why he's still alive. If I had to guess at his origin, I would say he's the embodiment of all the discouragement I received in childhood in addition to life just being difficult and anything worth...
  6. Fasting

    I'm not Muslim myself, but my parents are. And this Ramadan, I decided to fast the first day with them. Today hasn't been so bad. Just a little hungry, thirsty, want to smoke, and haven't had any coffee. It's actually kind of nice, in a way. I feel like I'm getting closer to myself. I'm not walking around as me plus coffee, or me plus tobacco, or food or water. I'm in a mostly unaltered state of mind. Which is nice. I'm also going to fast the middle day and last day of Ramadan. Not going to...
  7. Focus

    Focus is the one and only "key" to getting anything done. That's literally it. If you apply your mind constantly to something and never allow it to waver, then you make progress. Anything else is an excuse. It's utter bs. Your mind is good at convincing you that its bs is legitimate, but you have to see through it. Focus.
  8. Adulthood is a Bleak Tunnel with the Vague Scent of Roses Leading to the End

    First day of work today. Training day. And I can already tell, positive though I am that I will do a good job, that a bleak immediate future is ahead of me. Adulthood has arrived, and I'm about to cross the threshold. I have no choice now but to finally grow up and leave behind childish impulses, comforts, and way of life. It's an impossible to describe feeling. There's hope to it, yet a sense of deep loss. Like I'm about to enter an unknown realm where nothing is really quite the same....
  9. Get a jawb

    I'm amazed but I actually got myself a decent job. Full time, hourly + commission. Looks like I will be able to move out of my house soon and stop being a damn baby. Yeah, I sold my soul. Got a sales job. Gonna be knocking on doors and asking people if they want any remodeling done. It's funny a few weeks ago I was complaining about those very people. And now I've become one. Hey, it's a job. My real goal is to open up a hookah-weed shop in (hopefully) Anaheim, so this is the beginning. Who...
  10. Quit Attempt.. 4?

    I've begun another quit attempt. I believe this is my 4th try. I'm more determined than last time so let's go. I found a homeless guy and gave him the rest of my pack. He still asked me for a dollar. Bums... Reminds me of this time I gave a homeless guy half a box of pizza and he had zero appreciation and just asked me if I had any weed. Shoulda just chucked my pack on the street like I was planning on doing. But anyway, hopefully it'll help him cope with the pain a little better. I think I...
  11. Gardening

    Note: I wrote most of this like two weeks ago but didn't post it. I wanted to make sure my "big" decision toward the end wasn't fleeting. So far, it seems it wasn't. So this didn't happen today and I'm actually in a much improved head space right now. __________________________________________________________________________ While I've been having a shit time lately, I do have something that I'm enjoying. As the title suggests, it's gardening. Gardening is kind of a zen activity. It...
  12. Cynical

    Everything seems like bullshit, even everything I say and think. Inspiring crap makes me cringe. Demotivating crap makes me roll my eyes. I'm sick of feeling this way. I used to be able to look at something or read and just take the meaning of it and roll with it. For months now, I'm skeptical and cynical towards everything. I don't see genuineness in anything anymore. I know that people are just living their lives but we're all animated by similar sets of complete b.s. It's actually a super...
  13. lol

    Here's this:
  14. Wish people made sense

    I've become a very solitary person in the last year. Well, returned to being solitary. I was a loner in middle school and most of high school until it finally got to the point where I was too depressed to keep going like that. I made a change, with no guidance unfortunately, and never really learned how to balance being social and maintaining my identity. So a new problem came in for me: I started to feel inauthentic. Besides, even the people I knew, I didn't really like that much. So I...
  15. Why even get offended?

    This is something I've really never understood my entire life. When I've felt offended, it was just natural to either deal with the person if I felt like arguing (and then drop it and move on when it's over regardless of if they admit they're wrong or not), or just shake my head and move on. Either way, the key word is moving on. But apparently while I was maturing with general values of freedom of speech and being confidant in yourself, there were other people maturing with general values...
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