The Promised "Optimism" of a Suicidal Natalist

By jim onion · Feb 11, 2022 · 702 · 8
  1. Obligatory "I am not currently in any danger; I actually have an inpatient facility where I can admit myself at any time if I actually needed to, which I've never needed to do anyway."

    I could've chosen to go to attend a university that's more than just a couple hours away from where I call home.

    I could've had COVID / the flu / mono / strep, but instead I have... a cold? A cold + bronchitis?

    Well, if you read my blog thinking that you're going to find it brimming with optimism, you're mistaken. But in a recent blog post, I did mention something about being more optimistic, or whatever.
    Why did I stop smoking?

    Why did I stop drinking? My mental health has gotten: exactly zero percent better!

    Hmm. Oh, that's right, the optimism. At least my physical health is better!

    At least the class that I dropped wasn't actually needed for either my major or minor!

    *record scratch*

    At some point, the optimism gets really toxic in and of itself. Gaslighty.

    That sounds like a Pokemon. Gaslighty. A psychic type, to be sure.

    Nevermind what the "positivity" is actually covering up. The only thing to do in that stupid fucking college town is drink. I have quite literally socially blacksheeped myself by going straightedge. And the reason I did that was to improve my mental health, LOL, and yet I have been on the verge of a total mental breakdown, tempted to drop out of college altogether, can't sleep—so what, where exactly did I get?

    Now, after you've chewed on that for a bit, spitting it out once it's lost flavor, riddle me this. Why do I care? It seems pretty much all of the girls that I meet out in the bar / party scene I wouldn't trust as far as I could throw them. The guys are incredibly obnoxious and toxic. So again, why do I care that I no longer do the things necessary to make them all temporarily tolerable, like drinking 12 drinks and smoking half a pack over the course of a night?

    If you've got room for dessert, you're in luck. What fucking good did any of my Self-Help Bro bullshit do when I'm contemplating whether I should commit myself to an inpatient facility or commit suicide?

    I've never been unhappier in my life. I do all the things that the Dude Bros at the mountaintop told me to do and it amounted to jack fucking shit. Go to college and work on yourself (have been for three years), get your career going (trying to, but its nigh impossible to substitute teach AND go to school full time at the same motherfucking time), the girls will come!

    Here's another conundrum. First of all, what girls? The fucking hoes that dump your roommate, who is a great dude, like a sack of shit? The ones that play games ("shit-test") with your emotions? The wahmen (use Google for zoomer-gen terminology you are not familiar with)? Second of all, why would I want them to come? Third of all, no girl is "coming" anyway, harlot or angel or non-harlot-angel-nary. That exists exclusively in fiction written by men who wish the world were a just place.

    That's what empowerment gets ya' right there folks. Toxicity, entitlement, Gordian knots of contradiction, and lizard-brain. I'm going to have my cake and eat it too and anybody who tries to stop me is a sexist piece of trash! I mean seriously, how far has society come when white girls are dating black guys BECAUSE they are black? Because it is "subversive" or pisses their daddy off who's paying for their entire tuition? Obviously this is not the case for all, nor most, mixed-race relationships. But all the same, this phenomenon is far too common. How wonderful it must feel, to think you're somebody's boyfriend, when in reality you're their small-minded political statement and daddy-issue.

    Go. Fuck yourself. These people would be so much easier to tolerate if they truly were a minority. No, a DWINDLING minority, rather than a growing majority. This society, and the entire human race, is soooo fucked. You know it's bad when the gay guy (I don't mean to be offensive by referring to him in this way, but I obviously don't want to use real names) agrees with me about the state of dating between men and women.

    Every guy I know at university with his head screwed on straight and tight, and with at least two brain cells - one flint and the other steel - wants the same thing. A unicorn. These are guys who believe that college will help them establish their careers, find a job, support themselves and another person, with whom they could potentially share the responsibility of children, etc.

    Let's just say that makes for A LOT of employers (men), but not a lot of applicants (women), the latter of whom seem to want to play with your emotions, string you along, and pray to polygamy, and yet are completely baffled when they're not respected.

    Yeah, I'm so glad I went to university so I can waste thousands of dollars on a young adult literature course so that I can read Judy Blume's "Forever" and listen to a class made up of 90% girls shit on men the entire time in front of me and the other three guys, one of whom is gay and gets the female "gays-are-okay" pass. THIS is what my mental health needed right here, ladies and gentlemen!

    Oh, right, optimism. Optimism... So, even though every day I wonder (read: NOT PLAN) about suicide, or wish I would die / not wake up, I'm not an anti-natalist.

    I'm not here to debate anti-natalism. All I'm saying is this: many of these people don't see the irony that some human / societal problems cannot be resolved in a single generation, and that history repeats itself in a fairly cyclical manner. Yet... and try to follow me along here... they tell people like me that suicide is not the answer, blah blah blah. Okay, so suicide isn't the answer, but the females of a living species encouraging other females to not procreate to fundamentally result in species-suicide is sound? It's the same doomer mentality just operating on a different scale. Again, I am not debating anti-natalism, per se. I am picking on a small subset of those who call themselves anti-natalists, who have a incongruous view on suicide. Don't commit suicide! But if you ask me, nobody should have children!

    For me, a strong desire to end it all stems from the basic fact that I am undesirable, there is no knowable explanation because presumably every woman is different so therefore there is not a explanation but 4ish billion of them (so don't count yourself out yet, champ! /s), my parents had a shit marriage and for 20 years of my life I had experienced or observed only dysfunctional models of love, I'm broke, in debt so that I can get a job in something I STILL DON'T KNOW IS ACTUALLY A GOOD MATCH FOR ME OR NOT AFTER TWO FUCKING YEARS, every good thing is bad for me, and a long list of other things. That's where my desire to die comes from.

    My life just sucks. Maybe you don't think it does, but I don't give a fuck what you think, you don't have to live it every day. There's nothing enjoyable about what I am forced to suffer on a daily basis, especially when I am surrounded by people who, for whatever reason, have to suffer none of those things and are nauseatingly happy. There's nothing to look forward to in my future. My future is constantly sabotaged and taken away from me. All the things that I think could be nice to do, fun to do, if I weren't me, if I weren't so fucked in the head or poor.

    So there's your optimism, albeit delivered a bit late and most certainly not what you were expecting: I may wish I could commit suicide, but hey, at least I'm still not one of THOSE ANTI-NATALISTS.

    Should my gravestone read "Finally."

    or should it read "Here lies a suicidal natalist."

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  1. Zeppo595
    Well firstly, I think University really is a toxic environment. These are not places for education by leftist engineering camps. It's a completely healthy reaction to be enraged by it. Even people who agree with the ideology should be disturbed at how biased the 'education' is at almost every institution.

    Have you considered going to different US towns and cities (just for a weekend or something) to get out of your head?

    I would also consider taking a trip to South America (Colombia, Argentina, Brazil) and interacting with totally different (non-Western) women. I know you are more interested in Japan, but these countries are closer to you and easier to enter now.

    As a Westerner, you can 'cold approach' women easier with tourist questions and also your sexual market value will automatically rise in these countries. I'm not suggesting going there on a mission for a date but just look at it as practicing socializing and learning about other cultures.
    Zeppo595, Feb 13, 2022
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  2. Dave The Great
    "I've never been unhappier in my life. I do all the things that the Dude Bros at the mountaintop told me to do and it amounted to jack fucking shit. Go to college and work on yourself (have been for three years), get your career going (trying to, but its nigh impossible to substitute teach AND go to school full time at the same motherfucking time), the girls will come!"

    You took everyone's advice too soon. They got to go down the road they warn you against. They experienced the highs of it, rebounded from the negatives of it, moved on, and achieved happier times. They assume you'll be an addict like they were, but everyone experiences it different, and they got the high of it, now warn against the low. Sure you could become an addict if you drink. You could crash if you drive. You can fail if you try. Their fault is thinking you can skip the negatives and expect the positives will still come. Make your mistakes, just like they did. I really think we've forgotten that wisdom isn't as transferable as we all pretend it is. You have to go through it.

    "Here's another conundrum. First of all, what girls? The fucking hoes that dump your roommate, who is a great dude, like a sack of shit? The ones that play games ("shit-test") with your emotions? The wahmen (use Google for zoomer-gen terminology you are not familiar with)? Second of all, why would I want them to come? Third of all, no girl is "coming" anyway, harlot or angel or non-harlot-angel-nary. That exists exclusively in fiction written by men who wish the world were a just place"

    Society lays this dream on you when you're young. Stay the path, do the right thing, you'll bump into your manic pixie dream girl while rushing to class one day. You'll fall in love, start a family, miss her or have her miss you. Big old tombstone with a family that still thinks of you. A lot to ask for simply just...existing. You want something you have to work for it, you want it sooner, you need to break the rules. They teach you one thing, but do another. They get ahead, while you fall behind. You want a woman, you gotta play the game. They've been sold the same lie, the guys going to bump into HER. Friend of mine decided to play. Was fed up with being a virgin at 26. Went on a bunch of dates, found a girl who would take him, then talked to me about cheating on her. So it goes it seems. I prefer to rub one out.

    My advice, my wisdom from not taking your path and going another. Find a way to be self employed. Sweet talk uni friends, keep connections and use them to build YOUR business. If nothing else, university is a place to make connections to advance your own goals. Otherwise learn to farm, learn how to live minimally. I'm mostly talking to myself right now, but I think it's some damn good advice considering your inner dialogue is so similar to mine. Best of luck buddy, wish we could of known each other in the physical world.
    Dave The Great, Feb 15, 2022
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  3. jim onion
    @Zeppo595

    I just want to preface by saying I'm not trying to trash your suggestion.

    Your suggestion about, in-short, "traveling" is one I've encountered quite a few times.

    I do have a question you might be able to answer: why or how could such travel be potentially helpful? (I guess I'm more asking you to expand on your statement about seeing and learning about other cultures, etc.) Maybe you could just talk about some personal experience or something if you have any; there's no way of really knowing in-advance what, if anything, it would do for me.

    I'm a very risk averse person, and it makes me genuinely depressed to have to write that I think doing something like going to Japan (or another country closer to home, excluding Canada lol) could be a nightmare. Obviously I don't KNOW that it would be, I'm just saying that that fear fucks me right in the ass as soon as I start thinking about travel. What happens if I get sick? What happens if I run out of money? What happens if I get in trouble with the law? What happens if I get really depressed and mentally ill like I already do here at home? How will I be able to do anything, like finding a place to stay, resolving your typical daily problems, when I only speak English?

    Logistically there is no issue though. I mean, now that more and more of the world seems to be relaxing their travel policies. And I am capable of working and saving enough money. So none of that is a concern at all.

    I'm also asking, because when I studied a bit of stoicism I remember reading something about how "you take yourself with you" (paraphrasing) when you travel. It was basically a stoic, I think Seneca, criticizing the idea that one's quality of life won't improve by moving somewhere else because you're still you.

    Of course, I don't personally subscribe to stoicism, so maybe this is a non-issue.

    For what it's worth, I've been to Canada. Montreal, Toronto, as well as some other small areas around Ontario. I've also been as far as Colorado and Tennessee. While I certainly enjoyed going to all of those places, I don't know if I really experienced anything that made me think, "Oh wow, the reason why my life sucks such ass is largely because of where I live." I don't know if I necessarily experienced anything like changing. When I say I don't know, I also mean *I don't know*. I'm not saying I *didn't* experience anything life changing. But part of me feels like, if I did, I would know.

    I mean, I *have* thought about that sometimes. I sometimes wonder if I would be happier in a state like Arizona, for example, where it's way sunnier year-round and, like, no snow.

    With Japan it seemed like a real toss up. Maybe the bushido work culture would make me literally commit seppuku. Or, maybe people would expect very little of me because I'm a gaijin. Maybe I would have a blast visiting historical sites including Nagasaki or Hiroshima. Or, maybe I'd make a fool of myself because I don't know proper shrine etiquette. Maybe I would be a social outcast because I don't understand the Japanese culture (I can't think of the specific word for this right now). Or, again, maybe people would see "white man" and just assume I don't even know when to use sensei or senpai / kohai.

    In any case, I suppose traveling to some places could give me something interesting to do for a while. Maybe I'd be lucky enough to have a, God forbid, streak of days where I don't wonder about killing myself.
    jim onion, Feb 16, 2022
  4. jim onion
    @Dave The Great

    And I guess that's it, really. I don't want to play the game.

    The game isn't fun. It's rigged, glitchy, broken.

    And honestly, I don't know how I feel about the "gamification" of love or romance or other passionate human emotions. All of those things instantly become uncannily unreal when we just start talking about thee numberz gayme. People stop seeming human to me, which I find very disturbing; it feels like I'm viewing the world as a sociopath would. I don't play the game because at least I can still see people as human.

    In terms of self-employment, I can't really think of anything. It's really one of those easier said than done kind of things (for me). I can't think of anything to provide in the first place, and I don't know anything about setting-up or running businesses.

    I did recently realize that being a principal or vice principal is not really a responsibility that I want to have. I don't know if I would even last long enough in education as a teacher to make it to that point.

    I really only want to do pointless things. Hang out with friends, play video games, play a sport, go on a vacation, watch an anime. There isn't a single fucking productive thing that doesn't make me want to end it all.

    The only things that make me happy are useless things and bad things.
    jim onion, Feb 16, 2022
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  5. Dave The Great
    @Foxxx Let the modern idea of immediate perfection go. It's a seed, that self employment. Mull over it, let it materialize for a year. If there's something there it will reveal itself. You will know, no bullshit. Then the hurdle will be the initial fear, jumping off the cliff, into the unknown depths of the lake. All of us here want to be self employed. To be a writer. Brain to paper, some middle men, but over all we want to be able to make our own living by selling something.
    Dave The Great, Feb 16, 2022
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  6. jim onion
    @Dave The Great

    Besides a clothing brand thing that my friends and I tried to start-up in high-school which more or less just turned into a big meme that nobody really took seriously except me, the only other thing I can think of at the moment is investing. I do want financial independence, and in a basic sense understand the importance of achieving that. But my investing hasn't been going well at all, and every person I encounter on the internet has this shite "I'm too good for you" attitude and speaks in cryptic bullshit. And if you don't understand it, that's just evidence that you're a fucking tard. It's been impossible to find a true investing mentor; they all assume I have some baseline level of capability that I definitely do not possess. I need an ELI5 while they're acting like I've taken classes in high-school and university and have been enlightened with all these apparently self-evident truths.

    Their videos are basically "just do this, use this candle stick omega-lord super-calculator mathematical formula strategy, already have about $10,000+ available to invest, and do your DD but I'm not even going to explain how to do good DD / what sites or resources to use for that".

    It's like, wow, thanks for wasting my time. My problem wasn't that I don't know what to do, Mr. Rich Dick Head. My problem is that I don't know how. Then there's the people who talk down to you when you tell them you just started investing on your own with no experience or knowledge. My exasperation would probably melt their face off.
    jim onion, Feb 16, 2022
      Dave The Great likes this.
  7. Zeppo595
    You are saying that you despise your life and are miserable etc...

    Travel is good because it helps you see things differently.

    If things are so incredibly bleak literally ANYTHING different has to be better than your current situation. I mean anything that could help you give you a different way of looking at things. If things are bad in life I always say 'make a new mistake.' By that I mean, do something you think is stupid/dumb 'not the kind of thing I do' and then you can start to change. I obv. don't mean destructive things. I still have a problem with this for example I think about joining a boxing gym and my next thought is 'I'm not the kind of guy who does that' THIS is why I very much perhaps SHOULD do it.

    Travel is good specifically in the context of meeting women. Western women are entitled, superficial, masculine...the list goes on. Go to other countries and see not all women are like this. Though you might cry when you return.

    But to go to a place JUST out of some pipe dream to find a trad-con wife? That would be silly. This is why the goal is really just to shake things up with a side benefit of some pleasant interactions with women.

    You are saying you might be miserable when travelling and I agree it's very likely unless you create reasons for going and plans of things you genuinely want to do there. Just going and having a lot of unstructured time alone can make many men go crazy. I've been there.
    Zeppo595, Feb 16, 2022
      Foxxx likes this.
  8. jim onion
    @Zeppo595 I see where you're coming from. I agree. When I went to various different places, that is kind of what I tried to do. Shake things up, and have positive interactions with new people and a new culture, even if it was only different in a very minor sense.

    And yeah, I can promise you that if I went to any country with the intent of finding a trad-con wife, I would fail. But I can see how meeting women of a very different culture, whether that's Russia, other parts of Europe, South America, Japan or South Korea, could get me "un-stuck" so to speak, and see that I've actually been dealt a pretty bad hand by being born a straight male in the USA (contrary to popular belief).

    But yes. It would have to be structured time. And I think I am the type of person who, instead of just deciding to go get a job and live in some other country, that I would prefer to take a couple weeks vacation there and at least get a general feel for life there.

    Unless something seriously changes in my personality, I don't think I could ever leave home, and all my friends and family behind, for very long. Like, more than 3-4 months is honestly pushing it. I'm just not a super extroverted guy, I'm pretty neurotic, so meeting people and making a bunch of new connections is difficult and exhausting for me.
    jim onion, Feb 17, 2022
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