Fake it, fake it, and still I never make it

This won't be long.

My roommate and I were talking about my unexplainable reaction to seeing a pretty girl.

Depression.

Well, unexplained as-of-yet.

I could cook up some guesses. But it'd all be food I've served you, reader, before.

I know, you want to eat something else. This establishment has really gone downhill. I'm sorry. Your meal is on the house tonight.

All I can really do is put on a brave face. Smile and suffer. It is only thanks to faith, an absurdly radical acceptance, and the people in my life who love me, that I am still here.

My life is this way not by means of conspiracy, but by means of happenstance. It just is. Fairness has nothing to do with it. Justice has nothing to do with it. Not everybody deserves love because it has nothing to do with deserving. You can deserve love and still not get it. You can not deserve love and yet still get it.

I get depressed whereas other guys have an equally inexplicable surge of confidence (apparently) or joy.

There need not be an explanation. I only desire an explanation because I want it to change. I only want it to change because I think it is unfair. But it just is. There is nothing to be done about it.

As Kierkegaard said, do or do not do a thing, you'll regret it either way. So there's really no reason to get so worked up about my condition. My ego, naturally, is wounded by the way things are.

And it should be. That's a perfectly understandable reaction, especially given the role that the ego plays. It doesn't make sense to get mad at it.

At this rate, I cannot see a way out. I cannot see a way around this particular predicament of being. I cannot even really wrap my mind around it to at least understand it. What good does it do to understand a thing you can't change, if your whole intent in understanding was in hopes of changing it? That's a waste.

I see beauty. I get depressed.

Bittersweet. I cannot have one without the other.

So it is, that I'll watch those around me get to experience something withheld from me. So it is, that I'll get to experience it vicariously in anime.

As Shinobu says, "it's possible for a fake to be more real than the real thing."

Isn't that wonderful?

God, I am blessed.

Time to sleep. I can always rest assured knowing that I can fill my dreams with what life should have been. With who I wish I was but can never be. I can set aside my worries, or the frustration of being stuck and unable to change my life, and bridge the unbridgeable distance between who I am and who I'd like to be.

Waking time is the only time allotted for such anxiety. When I am asleep, I am free. I am safe. I simply exist in a reversal of what others experience. They get to experience certain wonders in their waking hours. For me, I am only allowed them in my imagination.

And dreams have a magical way of feeling more real than the real thing.

But even the times where I seem to not dream of anything, I am grateful for such a deep, restful sleep.

You do not understand me. Nobody does; not even myself. But that's okay. Some of you have shown you don't need to understand to show mercy. Faith is such a beautiful thing. I am genuinely grateful for your mercy. You do not know how beautiful it makes you.

Therefore I can show myself mercy. I will not understand myself. I cannot understand myself. There is no reason why I feel depression at the sight of beauty. There is no reason why I am unhappy. It just is. I only know that to dwell on what cannot be changed, or to get wrathful with myself about why I won't change, only serves to worsen my condition.

Instead, I will not change. I will simply grieve the void between who I am and who I wish to be. And due to the unbridgeable chasm between who I am and who I wish, no, need to be, I will also have to grieve the equally unbridgeable gap between how my life is and what I wish my life were like. And in that grief I will live indefinitely.

And I will smile. There is no reason, there is no rule, there is no law, that says I cannot smile if I am grieving. That I cannot smile if I am unhappy. That I cannot smile if I am depressed. That is my radical choice. Because there is no other choice. All of my seeking for answers, all of my efforts and struggles, have been in vain. For naught. Years and years and I am no closer.

I have done everything, and nothing changed. I cannot change my cowardly nature. I cannot change my spiteful nature. I cannot change my solemn nature. I cannot change my neurotic nature. I cannot change my lustful nature. I cannot change my jealous nature. I cannot change my envious nature. I cannot change my selfish nature. Every time they all just snap back. So, this must be my fate; a resignation to grief.

I am not allowed to grow up and change like all of the other adults on this forum. No matter what I try, no matter what logic I arm myself with, everything snaps back to being fucked up. There's never any lasting change. And none of you, and nobody else, can tell me why. I am simply broken and cannot make the same permanent progress that you can.

I can only be a knight of resignation.

Nevertheless, I am grateful for what I do have. I might not always show it, but I know it to be true, and I will show it now.

Furthermore, there is no reason why I cannot or should not delude myself into thinking I'm not single. Of course, I would not force others to be a part of that delusion. But in my own time, in my "alone" time I no longer have to be alone.

I'm not talking about losing touch with reality.

I'm talking about playing pretend.

Pretending that I have a wonderful wife and two cute kids.

And when I look again at a beautiful lady, I need not feel depressed. In my mind, in my private thoughts, in my own imaginary world, they're already my love. I'm just visiting them at work. Or they're visiting me at work. Or we went to a party together. Whatever the scenario.

I can provide for them. They can appreciate me. I can love them. They can love me. I'll have someone to talk with on my long drives. I'll have someone to listen to at night when I go to bed. We might disagree or have our bad days, our days apart because we each need our own space, and that's normal too. I'll at least get to experience it. A fake that is more real than the real thing.

This world can stop me from changing. It can refuse to be what I want it to be and there is nothing I can do about it.

But there is nothing it can do to stop my imagination. There is nothing it can do to stop the respite of my sleep. There is nothing it can do to stop me from playing and dreaming. And because a fake can be just as real, if not more real than the real thing, there is nothing in this world it can take from me or keep from me.

God has blessed me with his radical absurdism. I had anxieties about going crazy, but "crazy", absurdism, was really never anything to fear at all. I know what this world that we call reality is. I know where it starts and ends. But there's nothing that says I have to spend all my time inside of it.

I'm not allowed to play by your rules. Go to the gym + be nice + be this + do that = unicorn... well, that just doesn't work for me like it might work for you, dear reader. But, I admit that like Socrates, I don't really know anything. Maybe one day one of you readers will come along and have the magical answer; you'll possess the key and unlock the door I've been throwing myself against all this time.

It was reassuring for a time to be told platitudes like there's someone out there for everyone, it'll happen eventually, it'll happen when you least expect it, it'll happen when you stop trying or looking for it, it'll happen when you let go, it'll happen when you hold on, it'll happen if you keep searching, it's a numbers game, you just need to go to the gym, you just need to be more interesting, you just need to be yourself, you just need to be able to make her feel safe and secure, you just need to lower your standards, you just need to be happy being alone, a girl would be lucky to have you, things will change when you graduate high school, things will change when you graduate college, things will change when you get your career going, things will change if you move cities, things will change if you move out of state, things will change if you move countries--

I get it. You're just trying to be supportive. I really appreciate that.

But can't you see, can't you get how it's all kind of... an empty promise?

So I've fired all the cooks in the kitchen. I'm off in my own little world now, and I get to make the rules.

And what's funny, is that all of the rules are the same. I only have a beautiful family, a wonderful wife and two amazing kids, because of luck. Not because I went to the gym in my imaginary world, and went to university, and moved states, and wore the right clothes, and magically became more confident and less shy and anxious, and I magically resolved all of my mental health issues.

Nope. In my imaginary world, just like people in this world, I have a beautiful family, a lovely wife, and two kids who I love a lot and who love me, not for any reason other than pure, pure luck. By the grace of God.

Because that's reality. And thereby my fake is just as real as the real thing.