First jokes

This took me roughly 45 mins to write these jokes. This is my first attempt at writing basically anything. Let me know what you think and how you think I could make them better.


Do you give a shit what happens to your body after you die? Fuck that I don’t. Bury me, cremate me, cook me and feed me to the neighbors, I don’t care. Shove a stick up my ass and wield me around like a puppet for a goof at Halloween time


I like how enough people have choked themselves to death while jerking off that we had to give it a name. The incidence of autoerotic fatalities in Western countries is around 0.5 per million inhabitants each year. Autoerotic asphyxia is the leading cause. I’m not real good at math but that’s still way more people than it should be. Our species ain’t built to last.


I think you should be able to take steroids if you want to if you’re playing sports. Doesn’t matter to me who wins or loses but I’d rather the athletes be jacked up on shark semen or whatever steroids are idk I only do drugs that make me not want to work out or leave the house


Maybe we can arm some of the cool kids at schools and see if that works. I have other ideas too but I should prob see how this plays out before I say them out loud


I think maybe we should try to let someone who has to stick around to see the consequences of the damage they can cause be president instead of geriatric psychopaths and or simpletons.


Tom morello can make a guitar sound like just about anything except a guitar.


If your kids are getting bullied at school, let it be known that I am not above bullying school children. Don’t stoop to their level, let me do it for you. No charge - I do it for the love of the game. I can probably fight like six 10 year olds off at the same time maybe more if I have a weapon. If the bullies are cool kids, it could get messy.


So a lot of my family members died from smoking cigarettes. My mom, her sisters, her parents, my dad, his brothers and his parents, I don’t fear the grim reaper but when I see the Marlboro man coming I run like a motherfucker. Not taking me to the fucking big smoking room in the sky just yet


I used to party a lot with my dad, we did a lot of drugs together before Covid and during Covid but he wound up with lung cancer and then died two weeks later and idk why I thought this but I was certain this man couldn’t get cancer and that his body thrived on drugs and no way is dad gonna get some pussy lung cancer, his heart is gonna explode some night while we’re doing blow at the kitchen table watching antique roadshow but not cancer, he was a functional opiate addict kinda like house but an X-ray tech and his knee just kinda hurt. That’s all the doc needed to prescribe him Vicodin for 30 years, his knee kinda hurt a little bit. Not enough to stop him from wandering around casinos for hours losing money but just enough to get a crippling opiate addiction that he had from 1990 until 2021 when he finally got sober after he died of lung cancer


You guys would have liked him. I remember being in the hospital room getting ready to bring him home on hospice and he was a gigantic prick and it rubbed off on us kids. There with my brother and sister, I said to him “so you got any secrets you gotta tell us before you cash out? You got a secret family? Are you db cooper?” And he didn’t say no. Plus his knee was kinda fucked up and it hurt a little bit, ya know? Guy used to tell us he hurt it jumping over the moon when we were kids but I suspect he hurt it jumping out of an airplane and got a bunch of cash and crippling opiate addiction to show for it.


You guys like Metallica? I’d like them a lot more I think if it had been Lars instead of cliff, ya know?


I’ve had cotton eye joe stuck in my head since 97. I don’t find it funny but you guys might.


Humans are the only animals that drink milk from other animals. We’re also the only animals with automatic weapons too so we can drink whatever the fuck we want generally. Who is gonna stop us? The cows? I don’t fucking think so, not on my watch.


People always say things like ‘I’m not better than anyone else.’ But come on, let’s be real. I’m pretty sure I’m a better person than every pedophile out there. At least 99% of them. I mean, if we’re ranking moral performance, I’m definitely scoring higher on the ‘not-a-monster’ scale.


Who the fuck said it was a good idea to let Supreme Court judges just be judges until they die? Was it Supreme Court judges? That’s the only way that shit makes any sense.


Who thought it was a good idea to let Supreme Court judges keep their positions until they die? Was it the judges themselves? Because that’s the only way it makes sense. It’s like letting the fox guard the henhouse indefinitely. Of course, they’d say it’s a brilliant system—who else would benefit from it


How is it we can land a fucking spaceship on a random asteroid but if I want to pump $10.00 in gas, I have to wait an extra god damn minute to pump the last $.50? Where’s my Fucking tiki torch!?


Whenever I tell people I’m gay, they always think I’m joking. I mean, I get it—I’m flattered that I don’t look ‘that gay,’ but trust me, I definitely am. It’s like, just because I’m not rocking rainbow suspenders doesn’t mean I don’t know my way around a Pride parade. Jk I’ve never been to a pride parade but only because parades are way too gay by default and I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea ya know


Organizing a straight pride parade is the absolute gayest possible thing you can do. Like congrats, you out-gayed the gay pride parade without even trying.


Imagine telling your dad you’re organizing a straight pride parade. 'Dad, I’m putting together an event for straight people to feel... more proud?' Yikes. My dad was the most supportive father to a gay kid, but I know—deep down—he’d be ashamed if I was out there waving a ‘Straight Pride’ flag. And honestly, I wouldn’t blame him. That’s a next-level disappointment