Hypochondriac

I've been sick for nearly two weeks now. I was slowly feeling better... but now I'm not so sure. I've had (admittedly slight) lockjaw and muscle tightness in my neck for the third day in a row now. There's no brown line where I got poked by that nail New Year's day (we were throwing out some wood at a friend's because they're renovating a new house), and no swelling or signs of infection. No other symptoms of tetanus... I don't think I have a fever, but I haven't actually taken my temperature. I had an overall ache in my body the first few days but that gradually went away. No muscle spasms that seem out of the ordinary. I had a headache on a couple different occasions but, again, nothing out of the ordinary.

At first I had a really bad sore throat but that went away completely after 3-5 days. I just have this nasty, constant drainage that's terrible in the morning but eases up throughout the day until I lay down in bed, which is when it returns. But it's weird- I can still breathe through my nose relatively fine, in spite of the profound drainage. And I've had this cough that often times is so bad that it feels like I'm going to throw up. I had a little blood in my nose way earlier last week, but I suspect that just has to do with it bring dry and the cold weather. The mucus itself from what I've seen has just looked like ordinary mucus. It didn't look white, which would be a good sign of diphtheria.

I've tried toughing it out, drinking tea every day, taking the minimum amount of over the counter medicines (lately just one dose of Nyquil before bed to make sure I get some solid sleep), but today I've felt very weak all of a sudden. I don't know if I'm psyching myself out and giving myself a mini panic attack but I'm having difficulty getting consistent deep breaths. It's always a relief when I get a deep breath or get a nice yawn. So I'm seeing a doctor, hopefully today, but absolutely no later than tomorrow. This coughing that makes me feel like I'm going to yack actually started a little after Christmas, so that specifically has been going on for three weeks now.

It's "funny". At one time I was wishing I was dead. Now I'm worried. Let that be a strong indicator I've changed and been getting better. I'm thankful for the loving family and extended-family-network of great friends that I have. I haven't been nearly as appreciative of my life as I should have been, and I hope God will forgive me. This shows in how I haven't taken as good care of my health as I could have, smoking a lot, drinking a lot. I've been too quick to give up and throw things away in the past. For so long I didn't realize what was most important. And, to a large extent I still don't.

I can only ask that God give me the strength and allow me to make up for my past mistakes and pre-meditated evils. I'm trying. I believe I'm making progress. I know he's already given me countless chances; some I have taken, most I have squandered. But when I die I want to be at peace.

"We can't expect God to do all the work." It might be a meme from a video game but I think it's profoundly true. I ask that God give me the opportunity to walk a noble path. The rest is up to me to actually do.

There is a story from the Bible about doubting Thomas. That is me. The agnostic. I used to be an atheist. I think I'm ready to say I used to be an agnostic.

I am no longer angry with God. If anything, I wonder how God couldn't be angry with me. How he hasn't struck me down every time he gets the urge when I'm walking to my car with a thunderstorm overhead. Or didn't stop my heart when I had a panic attack on cocaine because I thought my friend just died right in front of my eyes. Or any other time something should've gone wrong and I easily could've been killed, but God stayed his hand.

Maybe guardian angels are real, and mine is incredibly convincing. "Please forgive him. Please give him another warning. Please show mercy." I don't know what his or her argument would be but I'd like to hire their services when I need a lawyer. Time and time again I am spared. I promise that as long as God and Christ and my guardian angel don't give up on me, I will live to serve that which I genuinely believe to be good, just. If they let me, I will walk my path, help others, and do the right thing to the best of my ability.

Here I am. Confessing, albeit vaguely, and asking for another chance.

When I was only about one I had a tumor on one of my retinal nerves. They had to sever the nerve, making me completely blind in my left eye, in order to completely remove the tumor. Fortunately I was able to keep my real eye. Nearly everybody I meet only knows I'm blind because I tell them. The few who notice it on their own usually just think I have a lazy eye. I had one corrective alignment surgery on my blind eye when I was younger for cosmetic reasons, and in recent years I've been fortunate to relearn and regain some control over the muscles, which is a blessing for making eye contact in conversation and for taking pictures.

If there's one lesson it taught me, it would be the lesson that doubting Thomas learned. To have faith is to trust and believe without seeing.

As Hayley Williams sings: It's not faith, if you use your eyes.