1. A dreamer

    A dreamer New Member

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    I need a piece of advice

    Discussion in 'Traditional Publishing' started by A dreamer, Nov 4, 2016.

    Hello!
    I was wondering whether that would be a good start for a short story. I'm totally a beginner and this is my first short story so I'm hard pushed But absolutely I'm so eager to hear what I could improve. I fully understand that critique is the best way to improve.
    Thanks in advance!



    Tom woke up and stretched himself as luxuriously as he could. His mom, Lucia, called him for the breakfast, and then she told him that an anonymous person had left a package with Tom’s name written on it in front of the flat door. Tom did not really wonder who was that anonymous, because he used to get different presents wrapped and put in funny packages from his friends whom he had known via Facebook. Shortly afterwards, the silence prevailed while eating until the mother broke it by telling that she was going to be late that night. No questions were posed by Tom concerning the reason why his mother would not be home at the usual time. Instead, he left to his college but had kissed Lucia goodbye before that.
     
  2. Steerpike

    Steerpike Felis amatus Contributor

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    Hi A Dreamer - you may want to check into the forum rules. You have to make a certain number of posts and critiques here to get reviews of your work, which is why you had to post this in the Publisher Discussion subforum, where it doesn't really fit.

    I don't think it is a great opening. It reads a bit flat and doesn't grab my interest. The underlying idea could work, but I think you should tighten up the writing and try to bring some life into it so you can pull the reader in.
     
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  3. A dreamer

    A dreamer New Member

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    Thanks for your response! I will check the rules.
     
  4. G. Anderson

    G. Anderson Active Member

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    I struggle with openers, too..because I want to introduce the setting and the characters without it being boring.

    Lately, I have written a private opener just for me: it can be as boring and long/short as I like it to be, and then ones I am comfortable with the characters and story, I start the actual story with some action.

    I dunno if this could help you. I've also only just started doing this but find it very helpful :)

    As for your opener here; I enjoyed it but would have enjoyed it more if there had been some mood setter or something unexpected; something that sets the character or his live apart in an unexpected way.
     
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  5. A dreamer

    A dreamer New Member

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    Thanks a lot! I'll definitely try what you have said
     
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  6. WriterJazz2

    WriterJazz2 New Member

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    i would try introducing the characters a bit more, taking time to describe them as you are telling the reader what is happening. Try to invent their personalities, look, style, and how they're feeling a bit more. Also too many sentences such as 'tom woke up' makes it feel a bit too factual and boring, you should try and let it flow more so that it feels like a real situation. something like: 'It was the bright morning sunlight spilling in through his large bedroom window that finally woke tom up'
    Maybe make the arrival of the package seem more exciting and interesting and build it up, until you say that it is not unusual. It might help you to think of the characters beforehand and their lifestyles, where/how they live...

    Hope that helps a bit? :) just my opinion :)
     
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  7. A dreamer

    A dreamer New Member

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    Thanks a lot! Ofc it helped and I will start thinking about what you said when I go on writing.
     
  8. Quanta

    Quanta Senior Member

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    Write your story the way it comes out and be prepared for it to be crappy. Most first drafts are. Then, rewrite, rewrite, rewrite until you feel it is good enough to be shared and receive critical advice.
     
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  9. G. Anderson

    G. Anderson Active Member

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    You're welcome! I am looking forward to hopefully reading more from you! :)
     
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  10. A dreamer

    A dreamer New Member

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    That really makes me feel happy knowing that you will accept to read later on, because I was concerned about who would accept to read what I write and give me a piece of advice when I need it.
     
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  11. G. Anderson

    G. Anderson Active Member

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    Don't worry, I definitely would like to read more :)
     
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